Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Random Papers and Other Stuff That May Get You Fired

We have been asking one of the secretaries in my office for a certain file since yestereday.  When all polite attempts have failed and it is clear that she is going to force us to boss up on her, I walk over to her desk and kindly ask her to hand over the file immediatly.  Without looking up (her first really big mistake) she says she has to "get the file together" and she will bring it to me. *Evil Squint*  In my nicest, youreallydontwantmetolosemycool voice I say "no that will not be necessary, just tell me where the file is, in whatever condition it is in, and I will organized it myself."  *Evil Squint*  She finally reaches up to a shelf above her desk and pulls down a stack of papers *BLANK STARE* and starts sorting through them....So I say, "is that the file?" and she responds "yes it is but I need to put it in chronolgic order." *BLANK STARE* I say "no no, just give me the pile of papers and I will organize them (not because this is my job but because the time for you to do your job has come and gone). 

Do you know why we call our files "files"?  You guessed it, because pieces of paper that would otherwise be random scraps are hole punched and placed in chronological order (with an index) in physical file folders.  It is the secretaries job to organize the random scraps and it is my job to know what they mean.  Soooo, when I am handed a stack of papers in no particular order (which by the way smell annoyingly like gardenias) on a case where I have to take some immediate action, I start to wonder if people in this country truly value their jobs?

Monday, December 28, 2009


"Angelina Jolie feels extremely stressed by the pressure of having 6 children..." *Blank Stare*  I could only understand this headline if it read "Angelina Jolie's nanny feels extremely stressed by the pressure of caring for 6 children..."

Don't blame the dog on me...

If you think that just because something was an accident, you should not apologize for the harm it caused, one you are a fool and two *Blank Stare*  If you accidentally run over someones dog by no fault of your own, it might still be nice to express regret over the situation considering the person is now down one best friend.  I mean you think stuff like this goes without saying but apparently it does not.  If you hurt someone even when you never intended or imagined doing so, don't be a jerk about it- say sorry!

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Mall Mania

I observed the following things at the mall during my final days of holiday shopping which all inspired my famous blank stare:

A woman with an entire head full of finger waves (I just didn't know we were still doing this).

A woman walking as if she had not a care in the world wearing blue jeans, a T-shirt and a sparkling, perhaps even bedazzled, fashion purse as her only accessory.

A woman with her head wrapped in a scarf, not as a fashion choice but literally to preserve her wrap (this is not ok with me).

Forever 21 "fashion lash" extensions with rhinestones attached...

A teenage boy playing with a yo yo as he walked with friends (is this some type of medical therapy for one of these popular attention disorders, I don't get it...).

You know what time it is, *Blank Stare* to all of the above.

Weave on top of weave and other family moments...

My younger sister complained that her eyelash extensions were causing her eyelids to go bald *Blank Stare* (followed by hysterical laughter).

When I asked my sister why her hair looked so thin on the top she responded that it was because she had taken her weave out.  I pointed out to her that she still appeared to have more hair than God originally blessed her with and she said "oh yeah, I still have a weave but I had another weave on top of this..." *Blank Stare* (again followed by hysterical laughter).  Please refer to the photograph she was gracious enough to allow me to use for more information on this issue.

Somehow my Mother and I were discussing twins one afternoon.  In the course of this discussion my Mother pointed out that it would not be a problem if I had twins because then there would be one for her and one for me. *Blank Stare*

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

La Youneedtostopthemadness La

Most facebook users are aware that the site recently changed its privacy policy.  One of the changes is that it is no longer possible to hide your profile picture.  Anytime someone searches for you by name, they will see whatever picture you select as your profile picture.  In light of this change, my sister decides she has to go underground because "the block is hot" according to her.  However, instead of changing her profile picture (which might have actually made sense) to something that can't be identified as her, she changes her name.  To protect her privacy I will not reveal her new user name but it's one of those "Jane Myswaggeristootough" names (which by the way, these monikers are annoying and meant for people under 18 years old).  Now here comes the clincher, my sister already has 670 Facebook friends...who is she hiding from??? *Blank Stare*


We are having our annual in-house office holiday party and I just need someone to please explain to me why we have fake snow INSIDE the window on the window sill? *Blank Stare*  This is Michigan for crying out loud, we get a wholly undesirable amount of snow out doors and spend 90% of our time in the winter trying to avoid tracking it indoors.  In fact, there is snow on the ground right now.  So I just need to know why we can't just look OUT the window?  Why in the name of all that is good and holy would any Michigander purposely bring snow indoors?

Oh, I am going to need to add a *Blank Stare* for myself as well.  For some reason, I just decided that it was dress down day...No one else did...

Monday, December 21, 2009

The Post Weekend Grab-Bag: Thumbsucking, loose wigs, the southeast and a splash of Michael Jackson fashion...

Grown people (as in over 25 years old) who never gave up sucking their thumbs (you know who you are and I love you but you clearly were landing on this blog)

Michael Jackson Thriller black and red jackets in church...on Sunday (I'm sure God does not mind but welcome to the blog)

Belligerent Christmas shoppers with terrible attitudes, no patience, shrill voices and a ton of purchases. Clearly you need to put the bags down, go home and think about the meaning of Christmas. I would have added the store clerks with the same attributes minus the purchases but somehow I think their behavior is causally related to the mass of stank (for lack of a better word) shoppers.

Myself for feeling the spirit in church without securely fastening my wig prior to takeoff...

Washington D.C. and Maryland: I lived in both of these places for years and every single year that I was there, it snowed. And yet I have been gone for 4 years (during which time it snows every year) and the nations capital and the state with the wealthiest county in the country still appear to own 3 plows and 2 salt trucks which only have 10 bags of salt a piece (I'm exaggerating but not by much). *Blank Stare* I was so shocked my first year in D.C. when the entire District shut down over 2 inches of snow. I complained relentlessly until I got a car and tried to drive in 2 inches of snow out there. Upon taking the wheel in what I believed to be a very minor amount of snow, I almost killed myself and totaled my car BUT I finally got it. Everything shuts down because although 2 in. of snow is not ordinarily dangerous, if left to its own devices on the roads without salt, it can be lethal.

*Blank Stare* to all of the above! Thank you to all of the above people and places for supplying me with material for this Monday morning that is far better than a cup of coffee.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Tracks on the pavement...

I just encountered a lonely (albeit used) track (a piece of material which has strands of synthetic or human hair attached to it and is used to bind said hairs on to a persons head- for all you non-weave wearers) on the ground outside of my office. *Blank Stare* In this day and age of advanced weave technology I simply do not understand the need to leave your tracks on the ground. First, any hairdresser worth her salt will sew a track so tightly to your head that your eyes will narrow into tiny slants for the next 48 hours and you will have a headache THIS BIG. Second, even the kitchen beauticians have figured out the secret to bonding glue which is that the track must be attached to hair and not the scalp (If you didn't know this, time to check your tracks...and your scalp). Finally, leaving a track on the ground (even a cheap one) is the equivalent of leaving $10 - $15 on the ground and this is just not the day and age to make that kind of decision. On a parallel note, why leave your hair on the ground? There is no shame in bending down to pick up your treacherous track. The last thing we need in Detroit is more trash on the sidewalks.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Someone is giving people too much credit...

"No children under the age of 16 will be allowed in the hospital until February or March due to the flu season" *Blank Stare* I read this on a sign posted in my doctor's office this morning. I know they probably meant that the children will not be allowed if they are NOT in need of medical care but they need to consider being more specific. I guarantee you that if signs like that are widely posted and read one day I will get a call from someone who wants to sue the hospital because their child has some permanent disability because they read that sign and believed their child was banned from the hospital. The sign-maker is playing by the rules of averages but sometimes lawsuits are the perfect vehicle for people with below average insight. Disclaimer- I am after all a Civil Defense Attorney so take all of this with a grain of salt.

No, I am not a Republican, however...

I love President Obama as much as the next "I never thought this would happen in my lifetime" person. However, today I heard a clip of the Oprah White House Christmas special in which the President graded himself as a B+ for his first year in office. The Pres is getting the first *Blank Stare* of this post for even taking the bait of answering a question regarding his job performance with such a specific answer. I appreciate that the current President likes to error on the side of honesty but I am counting this one as an error nonetheless. This type of question is what the vague political answer was created to address. In the future I recommend he say something like "I will let the American people grade me" or "it would be wrong to give myself a grade when our system of government is based on the interdependence and connectedness of so many different branches." LOL, I missed my calling, I should have been a speech-writer (oh wait, I did become a lawyer so really what is the difference???).

I genuinely believe that President Obama goes to bed each night believing in his heart that he has done everything a human being could do to snatch our country back from the brink of disaster. However, therein lies the rub, there IS only so much a HUMAN being could do in this situation and while I give the Pres an "A" for effort, no one in his position could get a B+ for action or results. He is the equivalent of a trash collector at a never ending circus that begun before he was even born. He can collect as much garbage as he can hold but more garbage is piling up, the patrons wont stop complaining and the other employees (*cough* the Democrats and the Republicans *cough*) find bickering with each other much more fascinating than garbage collecting. I am sorry President Obama and I do love you for your "audacity" but you inherited your job difficulties and the *Blank Stare* that comes with them if you really think you could reach a B+ in less than one year (or even 3 years).

Monday, December 14, 2009

Banged knees and bad kids (really bad parents)....

I know retail sales are down and retailers are doing all they can to recover from this poor economy but *BLANK STARE* to ALL the stores for the reasons listed below.

Attention shoppers, I hope you are able bodied and never need to use a wheelchair. If you find that you are in a need of a set of indoor wheels you will discover that you will also require ice for the bruises you will get from banging your knees on random shelves strategically placed in the middle of aisles to encourage you to buy (and discourage you from moving in the event that you are unable to do so using two legs). You will also need an abnormal amount of patience for the large number of oblivious shoppers who appear to be sleep walking through the mall and never see you until they are literally on your lap (my sister should get tips for all the rides she has given). Finally, you will need a sister who is clever enough to eye spy the handicap ramp entrance and avoid running you into the endless curb surrounding the entrances. Of course you only get to look for the curb after you spot a handicap parking space, the ratio of which is 1 handicap space to every 100 non-handicap spaces. FYI stores, putting non-handicap spaces directly in front of your entrance and a row of handicap spaces on the side of the building (where there is no entrance) earns you my less famous *evil squint*

BONUS MALL MOMENTS: To every parent who unleashes your small children in the mall like God unleashed the plagues on the Egyptians *BLANK STARE* I first heard a crash and second saw two small bodies come tumbling from behind several clothing racks (which my sister and her wheelchair of course could not navigate around) wrapped around each other and screaming. The girls were so tangled up together I honestly could not testify under oath as to their ethnicity, they looked like one big blob. You want to know what I never saw though, their parents. I heard someone call them and saw them roll in the direction of the voice but I never actually saw them. And although I did not see the girls (at least I think it was two girls) again, I heard them screaming for the next 5 minutes (at which time I left the store). *Blank Stare* I later saw a little girl who could not have been any older than three walking five feet behind her mother in a mall swarming with shoppers. But here is what landed her on this blog, the mother had the crazyasheck nerve to be annoyed with the child for walking so slow…because apparently it never occurred to her to take the child’s hand, pick her up, put her in a stroller or do anything else which might have made sense. *Blank Stare* to you too lady.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Whatcho name is?

I am on the phone with someone right now who is complaining that other commentators on this blog stole her name forcing her to choose a new name.  So I ask "oh what was your name?"  She says her name was annonymous but now that other people have started using that "name" she had to choose a new one... *Blank Stare*

TMI (Too Much Inappropriateness)

Facebook status post: "Let it be known that I don't care what you think about me because your opinion will not make or break me. You should also know that what you are saying is not a secret because everyone knows and if you really feel that way, you can kiss my tale. And anyone who has anything to say about this, you can get it too!!!"

Facebook status post: "Ooooh, my man know how to stroke it just right, yeeeeah, LOL ;o)"

Faecebook status post: "I have gas"

To all of the passive aggressive people who use facebook to say things that you can't or wont say in real life, inappropriately boast about your sex lives (which probably aint what they are "posted" to be) and describe every mundane disgusting detail of your day, *Blank Stare*

If you have something to say to someone, either say it to that person or DO NOT SAY IT AT ALL! I really am not an advocate of the "say it to my face" school of thought as I am a firm believer that some stuff should never be said (to the persons face or back). However, if you find something burning a hole in your consciousness to the point that you feel compelled to say it to someone, please don't let it be to a mass of anonymous internet "friends"  (especially not if you are over the age of 18 and you are really aiming at a particular person).

For the rest of you internet posting *Blank Stare* recipients everyone gets an annual free pass to say something ridiculous or inappropriate. However, if your man is "strokin it right" EVERY night we don't need a daily update (but congratulations that is wonderful, perhaps the two of you should start a blog...). Also, if you suffer from daily episodes of flatulence (look it up if you need to), strange rashes or other things that are contagious or itch, you should consider posting your issues on WebMD (where you can get some medical advice) instead of Facebook!

Stand up straight and smile (just try it)

To all women who feel the need to stick their posterior regions out in every single photograph *Blank Stare*

Scoliosis is a physiologic disorder that causes an abnormal curve of the spine, or backbone. It is an idiopathic disorder which means that its causes are unknown. However, I would like to suggest that the medical profession examine the phenomenon of women who have been bending over and arching their backs in every single photograph since a early age. I hypothesize that the incidence of scoliosis among the subset of this population of children whose parents also own cameras will be greater than that in the general population. I’m just sayin….

Friday, December 11, 2009

Hello Stupid...

A grown woman in a Hello Kitty necklace...I don't care how much "bling" it has *Blank Stare*

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Maybe I am just getting old BUT...

Sex in the 8th grade is normal????

Wearing sweatpants on top of blue jeans is what's poppin???  (Are blue jeans like the new thermal underwear???)

Saying I "mess wit chu" or "I fu#%s wit chu" is a compliment to the listener???

Pursing your lips like you just ate something sour, taking a picture of yourself and posting it on facebook is what all the girls do???

If a rapper is 4'10 in his gym shoes (or "kicks" or whatever), has a bunch of teeth that look like aluminum foil, drinks so much cough syrup that he perpetually slurs his words like the man on the corner with the weird smell and bible who makes us all cringe, has 3 children that are all exactly the same age (but are not triplets) and  makes a song and says that he wants to fu!* every girl in the world- every teenage girl will then proclaim that he is her "boo" every time he comes on TV?????

_______________________ (fill in the blank because it seems like you could make up just about anything)

*Blank Stare* to all of the above.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Too much of a good thing is in fact bad...

So my least favorite "singer" (or whatever), Rihanna just got another tattoo, which brings her total up to like 20.  Ok so here is the thing, people with an excessive number of tattoos are like those cars (usually old VW bugs or jettas) that have 100 bumper stickers *blank stare*.  The owners come off as kinda schizo with a side of unfocused and you find yourself wishing that they had just picked one message and stuck to it.  Of course a human body is worse considering you can't scrap it when you get tired of its 102 images giving you a migraine. 

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

You must be the most boring person in the world....

So Barbara Walters is interviewing Adam Lambert for her 2009 most fascinating people special *BLANK STARE.....*  Does Babs not have any gay friends?  Perhaps she does not know any gay black men because the ones at the hair salon make Adam Lambert look like an accountant who does not get out much.  I mean seriously, she needs to interview Raynard b/k/a Rayna or Lester b/k/a Leslie, THAT would be fascinating.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Introducing my less famous *evil squint*

The Monday list of people getting a *blank stare* with a side of my less famous *evil squint*

You think unemployment is as good as a job (and don't seem to realize that while this is the only option for many people, if you have other options, like working, you should look into those).

You let your pet pitbull, rottweiler or (insert name of other animal known to be vicious and attack humans and small animals) roam around without a leash.

You think being a homosexual is a sin but you don't see anything wrong with being mean, unforgiving, spiteful, envious, etc.

You refuse(d) to exercise an amount of discipline over your child (because you don't believe in saying the word "no" and honestly think your kid is exceptionally well behaved) requisite to their awful behavior and yet you are distressed and pitiful over the fact that your kid has one foot inside of juvenille detention and the other inside of a future filled with mediocrity at ALL times.

You are always on the lookout for a good lawsuit as a way to generate income (if only you were this dedicated to coming up with a good idea...).

Congratulations to all of you as you are all well deserving of my famous *blank stare* and my slightly less famous *evil squint*.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Weed hoodies and cell phones

I was at A&W when a woman wearing what I can only describe as a marijuana hoodie (it appeared to have marijuana leaves all over it) pulled up on her moped and parked outside of the main entrance.  Weed hoodie lady then proceeded to enter the A&W and take a seat at a booth (without placing an order). She pulled out her cell phone and embarked upon one of the loudest public cell phone discussions I have ever witnessed since the invention of cell phones.  As a result of her conversation I now know that she is concerned about a $570.00 medical bill that resulted from her extended hospital stay last April which was not covered by Medicare in total *blank stare* 

Side Note:  The other people in A&W looked appropriately offended by Weed hoodie ladies conversation.  Please remember that a cell phone is not a chamber of invisibility.  When you talk on a cell phone, everyone else can still see you and more importantly, we can still HEAR you.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Peter, Paul, Pookie and your kids...

To all the parents out there who have robbed Peter to pay Paul and then bashed Paul over the head and dragged his limp body to a deserted location where no one would find him so that you could take his money to pay Pookie n them (cause Pookie n them don’t play when it comes to their money) just so that you could buy your well nourished, clothed and sheltered children 22 Christmas presents that they will neither remember nor touch within just as many days *blank stare*

PSA on the side: If ripping open shiny paper with frozen smiles and vacant stares has become a December 25th addiction for your children only rivaled by the phenomenon of crack in the inner cities, it is probably YOU with the problem. There has got to be more to life and the holidays than a bunch of crap that lost all its value the minute it left the store. Kids don’t know this intuitively, someone has to teach them, so again, if they don’t know and they are your kids, YOU are the problem. I am now stepping down and putting my soap box away for another day.

Friday, December 4, 2009

15 Reasons Your "Kid" Might Be Going to Jail...

So while standing at the coffee pot this morning someone walked up to me and started making small talk (which is usually the beginning of one of these posts).  I told Ms. Small Talker that the Taylor Swift "15" song was in my head.  She responded by saying yeah 15 year olds are so immature...I know because my son is dating one. ( Hey no blank stares yet, I'm sure plenty of 15 year olds are dating each other.)  Without further solicitation or comment from me Ms. Small Talker says "I told him, 'hey that's CSC' because he is 19" *BLANK STARE* (CSC for the non-lawyers is criminal sexual conduct).

Here is a free suggestion to the Small Talker's of the world, do NOT share the criminal activities of your children with random co-workers.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Trickin Is News?

So Tiger Woods' jumpoff (NY club promoter Rachel Uchitel) who previously vehemently denied she was having an affair with the toothy golfer is giving a press conference later on today to admit she was in fact trickin with the married man of many ethnicities...and there will be members of the press there *blank stare*

And further, on behalf of the entire legal profession *blank stare* to Gloria Allred for "representing" this side chick who was apparently one of many...

Dancing in the street (on your way home)...

Background: For all you non-Detroiters, Martha Reeves of the Vendellas (famous in the mid-sixties for the song "Dancing in the Street" as well as other Motown hits) was elected to Detroit City Council in 2005 (*first blank stare*) for reasons which remain unknown even now (but hey this is the city that elected Kwame "text mania and may have had a stripper murdered" Kilpatrick Mayor...twice...so there is that).

Foreground: Detroiters seem to have come to their senses after being bashed over the head by greedy politicians who were so crooked it could easily be said that they were just plain triflin.  Thus in 2009, Ms. Reeves lost her seat on the Council.

The Kicker: MR is having a going away party this weekend to "help her go away" (her words not mine, I promise).  I'm confused because I thought the voters already helped her go away back in November...when they did not vote for her...(*second blank stare*).

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Don't be mad at Tiger, be mad at yourself...

Blank stare to everyone who is surprised or disappointed that Tiger Woods cheated on his wife.  Let me give you the real scoop, if you take a man with average to below average looks (sorry but the teeth...) and not a hint of personality, give him a ton of money and worldwide fame, some former or current model will marry him.  After the wedding and probably some kids (if the woman has any sense at all), the man has a 99% chance of cheating on the model wife, period, point blank that is the end of this predictable story.  He may have thought he was lucky to get the wife but eventually it sets in that money and fame entitle you to much more than just a wife and voila, you look up and a blond is chasing you down the street with a golf club.

Instead of "Going Rogue" perhaps you might consider going away....

Dear Sarah Palin: If you had just gone away like all good losers, you my friend could have avoided my blank stare.  But no SP, you and your ever evolving knowledge of geography, international events and D.C. politics had to go and chomp on jerky while relating your tales of political prowess and parental success to the person who actually wrote "your book."  And although I try to avoid Fox News unless I am hunting for material for this blog, you seem to have wondered your way into the main stream media and even down the street into Grand Rapids, Michigan so now I am forced to deal with you.  So Ms. Wasilla for the following reasons:

You thought dragging the 17 year old self proclaimed "red-neck" baby daddy of your daughters child into the public eye was a good or even tolerable idea (and if you believed these two were going to live happily ever after or even for the next 5 years in peace, my point is only bolstered) and now that it has proved to be a mistake on par with using gasoline to put out a fire, you allow yourself to become embroiled in a ugly public exchange with the shy (hey he didn't give the full frontal to Playgirl) man child.

That Russia comment, that paling around with terrorists business, and anything else that made its way onto Saturday Night Live...

The fact that absolutely EVERYONE who is not related to you and is involved in any incident that you later "recount" calls you a liar (enter John McCain's entire campaign staff).

"Going Rogue" should not be confused with pissing half of your political party off; especially given the fact that ultra-conservative republicans have always been anti-abortion, tax, gay, etc. and pro-war, deregulation, guns, the rich, etc.  The book should not be called "Going Rogue" it should be called "Going Right" or rather "Going Far Right."

Because you validate the school of thought that "attractive" women have little substance (albeit great power to corrupt and destroy).

For all of these reasons, SP, you get my BLANK STARE OF 2009 AWARD.