Friday, January 22, 2010

Babies Courtesy of China

So I heard on the radio this morning that millions of condoms made in China have been found to be counterfeit (made with a cheaper material that will not hold...what it is supposed to hold).  *Blank Stare* Most of these counterfeit condoms have been imported to the United States so I recommend that people relying on this form of prophylactic take a long hard look at the package and see where it came from.  Also, doesn't China already have a huge population problem?  I would think they would specialize in condom technology....*Blank Stare*  (oooooh, maybe this is why they have a population problem????)

If you are using a condom made in China, you may be looking at one of the below images soon...

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Where exactly do you think we are?

I live in the state of Michigan.  The overnight low in my city was 24 degrees.  This morning when I was on my way to work, it was a whole 29 degrees. But for some reason a man with a receding hairline, sunglasses and windbreaker drove by me with the top down on his sports car like he had not a care in the world.  *Blank Stare* (I mention the hairline because I just KNOW his head had to have been cold...).  Was the top broken because I understand that in this economy you have to do what you have to do to get work?  Is he maybe from the North Pole and to him Michigan is like Hawaii?  I just have so many questions about this.

You just oughta be slapped...

This one goes out to all of the professional athletes with multimillion dollar contracts who get into legal trouble over stupid stuff that they had no business doing.  This list includes but is not limited to all of the following people:
  • Braylon Edwards (and his disorderly conduct)
  • Gilbert Arenas (really Gil, you brought your guns with you to protect your kids, REALLY??? I need to have a long talk with your PR person)
  • Plaxico Burress (a fellow MSU alum who apparently does not actively utilize his education.  It seems shooting yourself would be punishment enough but alas you and your bad leg are going to prison.)
  • Mike Vick (I don't care about the dogs, sorry but I don't.  However, this was a totally unnecessary mess for MV to have involved himself with.  Please leave the dog fighting to the people with nothing to lose)
  • OJ Simpson (Although he has never been in LEGAL hot water over anything that could properly be classified as "stupid" - i.e. murder, kidnapping, robbery, etc.- no list like this would be complete without him.  I mean really OJ, after your legal dream team performs a miracle on par with turning water into wine you decide to rob and kidnap someone?)
(It's not that the above individuals can not or have not recovered from their mistakes.  It is the fact that they would risk so much for so little that lands them on this list.)

All of you and everyone else who has blown the opportunity of a lifetime doing stuff that just makes absolutely no sense- go long and catch this *Blank Stare* because you deserve it!

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Girl please get you some flats...

I'm watching the BET celebration of gospel (which is worthy of several Blank Stares for a variety of reasons) and wondering why after all this time Fantasia has not found a pair of shoes that she can perform in. *Blank Stare* As soon as Fanny hits the stage, her feet go in one direction and her shoes in another. I mean is that even sanitary? *Blank Stare*  (The below pic is illustrative of my point although it is not from her performance is another barefoot performance...)

Friday, January 8, 2010

The Deputy and Red-Face

While I was in court today, a sound like a quiet buzzing noise arose from somewhere to the left of me. Now, I have to get up early to go to court, it’s crowded, I have to put on heals and I am not a morning person so naturally I purposely ignore everything around me and just pray that my cases are called quickly. However, I was unable to ignore the Wayne County Deputy Sherriff who leapt over my lap and bent over the attorney sitting next to me (which of course left his boxed shaped booty to close to my face for my comfort) to tell the rotund red-faced man in a T-Shirt sitting next to her who was politely leaning on his cane and taking a nap that no sleeping is permitted in the courtroom. *Blank Stare* I just wish the Deputy had taken a moment to consider which of the two scenarios would be more disruptive: allowing the man to sleep and emit the quiet buzzing or running his 6'2 self across the room and into the gallery to loudly tell the man to wake up.... *Blank Stare*

Further, as soon as the Sherriff returned to his "post" the man nodded directly back off (now I am wide awake and that was quite funny). So Deputy Nosleep is staring at the man intently with one foot out as if at any minute he is going to disrupt our row again by waking red-face up (the young female attorney sitting next to me seemed concerned by this possibility as well). Thankfully, red-face stirs from his nap on his own and THEN (wait for it wait for it)....loudly tells the Deputy "SORRY I HAVE A CONDITION" ...Which, by the way, if the Deputy had looked at the man closely, would have been apparent. The take home lesson- take a moment to consider the outcome of your actions and always avoid trying to put out a fire using gasoline.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Under The Covers

To all the men out there who are like my husband and believe that you can safely expel noxious odors under the covers without offending the person in the bed with you *Blank Stare*  The problem with this overly simplistic theory is that inevitably the covers are going to move and when they do all of the toxic gas you trapped inside of them will waft out.  At that point your partners eyes will bug out when she begins to choke as she suddenly finds that there is a limited amount of oxygen in the air.  And men, do you know what they will do?  They will give the woman a blank stare and say "it can't be that bad, it was like five minutes ago"... *EVIL NASTY SQUINT*

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Ugly is as ugly does...

Did you know that there was a dating and networking website for "beautiful people." To become a member of the website your photograph has to be voted on by other members of the site.  If you are "beautiful" enough, you may gain membership.  I was driving home from work yesterday minding my own business when I heard a news broadcast stating that 5000 members of the site were removed following the holidays because they gained weight over the holidays.  *Blank Stare*  I'm almost speechless (almost)...but alas I have thought of a few questions that I just really need answers to.  First, who is verifying the photos on the largely anonymous internet?  Does the verification person become suspicious when several people bear striking resemblances to Beyonce or Brad Pitt or (insert the name of other person who people think of as really attractive)?  How much weight did these people gain over the holidays and are they updating their pictures on a daily basis (*in a whisper* I mean why didn't they just go work out and then update their profile pic)?  Who wants to date someone who is shallow enough to become a member of such an asinine site or insecure enough to expose their physical attributes to public voting ?  Finally (this is the big one), why if you are so friggin beautiful do you need to find a date on the internet (not that people who internet date are unattractive but really this is a new level of ridiculousness)? *Blank Stare*

Monday, January 4, 2010

SAVE THE HUMANS! We can come back for your pet later....

I know this will be a delicate subject as some of you are extreme animal lovers so let me just start by saying this. I have had two pets in my lifetime and I loved each dearly. In fact, we had a cat in my house which we adopted from wondering the streets as an alley cat in spite of the fact that almost everyone in the house was allergic to cats. We sneezed, itched, coughed our way through it just to give the kitty a good home where he was spoiled rotten. So, I am not anti-animal (especially the kind that make good pets) and I hope this preamble does not come off like those people who say "I am not racist, I have two (insert race of people which you know they don't like) friends."

Moving on. I do, however, have a problem with giving money to "animal rights" organization which do not deal with animals in danger of extinction (which I believe to be a separate topic entirely). I simply cannot grasp how human beings (who are not wealthy with money to blow, a lot of it) can donate money to ensure the "rights" of common house pets when there are real life human beings experiencing all out genocide on the planet on which we live. *Blank Stare* Ever heard of Darfur? How about the Sierra Leone or Rwanda, Cambodia, Bosnia...the list goes on. And if you are geographically challenged or an extreme nativist, what about the millions of people right here in the United States who are homeless, hungry, uninsured, unemployed, undone. I just need to know how we can save the animals but we can't seem to do anything about the humans?

Perhaps you are one of those people who feel like animals are innocent and have done nothing to warrant their suffering while many humans dig their own pits and scream for a shovel. Ok, I will give you that one and raise you the millions of children that are among the human beings dying everyday. These kids have not even been on the earth long enough to dig anything. Look, the bottom line is that if you give millions of dollars to human rights causes and want to give a few bucks to the Fidos and Puss n Boots of the world, fine. But if you are the average person and you have never given a dime to ensure the continuation of the human race and now you want to "save the animals" *Blank Stare*