Friday, February 15, 2013

Greeneritis is REAL

It’s a Friday night and I’m writing a blog, drinking tea and doing laundry. I started to think, WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY LIFE??? I used to be hip. At this time on a Friday night some years ago I would have been pre-partying and looking for an outfit to wear out, the sole function of which was to protect me from being totally naked. I started reminiscing about the good ol days, in the club, at the bar livin it up. *Blank Stare*

This is the Devil’s disease, it’s call “The grass is always greeneritis.” Greeneritis is commonly characterized by excessive daydreaming and a tendency to fabricate and omit information about desires and memories to accommodate ones compulsion to be in another time, place or condition.

As I struggled with my bout of greeneritis this evening, I found myself recreating the past. In my version of the past, I was young and free and having a good time. In reality I had started to hate the club and the nightlife. I was always in some shoes that made me feel like sawing off my leg at the ankle. I hated the sweaty after club look. Every man I ever met in the club was trying to hit, eat breakfast and disappear (and most of the time you wanted them to disappear). And most importantly, I’m an introvert so being forced into tight crowds of people for long periods of time was like torture for someone like me.

Here’s the kicker, back in my party-like-a-rockstar days, I used to think about how great it would be to have a husband and some cute kids that I could spend my evenings with. Now that I have the husband and the cute kids, my mind temporarily wondered back to the club. You see just how dangerous greeneritis can be?!?! Now, I must admit, in my fantasy of family life, I had a cleaning person and a cook but that’s neither here nor there.The point is that I have everything I wished for back when I was a party girl. I can only conclude that it is the Devil that is the primary cause of greeneritis. Who else could make you feel dissatisfied no matter where you are in life? Oooh, I almost fell for it too but *Blank Stare* to the Devil. I’m actually happy (and not wanting to saw my feet off).

You don't need olive oil and keratin, you need a miracle

I overheard a conversation between two women in an elevator. Woman #1 was asking woman #2 what kind of hair care products she used. Woman #2 said she used olive oil conditioning and Keratin treatments, woman #1 said she needed to get some of that right away. *BLANK STARE*

Here is the thing, woman #1 had a little bit of hair. Since I believe that the term nappy has taken on a derogatory connotation, I don’t use the word. Thus, the only way I can describe woman #1’s little bit of hair is that it was super extra curly and, I don’t know if this is possible, but the curls looked….angry. Woman #2 had hair that is easy to describe, her hair looked like Pocahontas hair. [Don’t be jealous, she had a face like a young Al Sharpton, for reals].

I know it is tempting to think that you can alter your whole appearance by doing one thing that someone else does. For example, many a woman has fallen prey to thinking she can look like Beyonce by buying House of Dereon clothing. As a preliminary matter, I don’t know that Beyonce actually wears any of that stuff. More significantly, whatEVER Beyonce wears has been put together by a team of stylist, tailored to her specific body and by the time you see it, likely air brushed from here to eternity. So yeah, let that go.

The point is this, there is only so much you can do to enhance the natural gifts God has given you. And if you have super short tight angryish curls, the only way you are getting the Pocahontas look is if you buy a Pocahontas wig. I don’t care if you bath in olive oil and keratin, it’s not happening. If people could grasp this simple concept, we would have far less fashion travesties and disgruntled consumers.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

The Flavor of.... You know what? Nevermind

It's not that he looks this way, that could be a tragedy of birth.  It's that he's made A LOT of money and he still looks this way (quick somebody google the cost of a comb and face cloth). Also, if any of the women who were tounging him down circa '07 look at this pic and say 'well at least he didn't look that way when I was on national television begging him to pick me'- 1. You's a lie. 2. Even if he just bore a resemblence to the pic, you need some type of professional counseling. 3. BLANK STARE.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

My Poor Classroom Attendance, Capitalism and Birth Control

My friends who are also my former classmates can tell you that although I’m intelligent and well educated, attending class has never really been my thing. I feel suffocated by structured education. In fact, I once took a personality test which indicated that I generally have a problem with structure….and rules (that I didn’t make). I say all of this to explain that in spite of my law degree from one of the best law schools in the country, I somehow missed the section in property class (a basic first year law school requirement)….well let me just be honest, I missed almost everything in property class. I just didn’t have the mental energy or will to sort it all out. I can sum up my entire recall of my property law classroom experience as ‘blah blah blah adverse possession blah blah blah tacking.’ Hand to God, that’s all I can really remember. So truthfully, if called upon to testify, I couldn’t even tell you if the subject matter of this post was covered in my property class. I have no idea.

I just know that somewhere in the foggy library of my brain I remember hearing that drugs receive limited patents that allow other companies to duplicate them in generic form after a certain period of time has elapsed. I think this has something to do with the federal government attempting to prevent drug companies from monopolizing the market or research or something, honestly, I can’t really remember.

Moving on to the subject of this post, prior to getting pregnant with my second child and subsequent to giving birth to my first, I had a prescription for Tri-Sprintec which was the generic form of Ortho Tri Cyclen- a birth control pill. Now apparently (based on my Google research) the manufacturers of Tri-Sprintec have been sued from here to Kingdom Come (dang lawyers) so they had to shut down production of the generic- which was a quarter of the cost of the name brand. Evidently (again based on my Google research) no one else is eligible to obtain a generic patent until December of 2015. BLANK STARE.

The first day I arrived at the pharmacy blissfully unaware that my $17.00 Tri-Sprintec had been unceremoniously yanked from the market, I made a decision. I decided to protest the oppression of capitalism by refusing to purchase the $50.00 Ortho Tri Cyclen….. Ok that is a complete fabrication. In reality I just thought paying $50.00 for a drug I had been getting for $17.00 was outrageous and I refused to do it. Small problem, my economic assessment did not include an analysis of the effect of failing to take birth control. What about my husband you ask--- ZERO help. My husband and I decided to take the road less traveled and although we had no plans to have another child until my daughter was at least 3, before she even reached her second birthday I was back in the hospital eating chicken broth and popsicles, holding our son and plotting how to lose 50 pounds.

The moral of this story is something like pay attention in school and don’t cut off your nose to spite your face because it turns out that $50.00 a month doesn’t even approach the cost of diapers and formula for the same period of time. Last but certainly not least, BLANK STARE to myself with honorable mention to my unhelpful husband.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

THIS is what concerns you???

I was working on typing a document on my lap top, my husband walked in the room and strained his neck 90 degrees just to see what I was doing. BLANK STARE. My husband seems unmoved by the possibility (however remote) that I might one day run off with another man. In fact, his response to that hypothetical is "I would kill you." He doesn't say it in a extra hype confrontational manner, he just states it as a fact- "I would kill you." So me taking off to start my life over again with some new man does not give him cause for concern but what I'm doing on the computer has him breaking his neck???

When I pointed out to him that he seemed more than a little pressed to get in my business he said that I was acting "suspicious.".............. BLANK STARE.  No, I literally gave him a blank stare. So then he says "well fine, I'm not going to worry about anything you do." BLANK STARE. First of all, I could easily prove that statement untrue by calling a tow truck and having them remove his Mustang (his first car which he claims is a part of our family----that hasn't worked in 6 years) from my garage.  I guarantee you, he would instantly be worried about what I was doing.  Second of all...I don't have a second but I didn't want to be one of those people who said "first of all" when there was no second of all. 

I just keep looking at my husband waiting for him to magically say something that makes sense. It is not the fact that he was extra pressed to see what I was doing on the computer that is noteworthy.  Some people are just nosy like that.  It's the fact that my husband is not one of those people. So I'm sitting here wondering why the possibility of me running off with another man does nothing for him but what I'm typing on my lap top seems significant? I can only conclude that he was concerned that I was typing another blog post about him and now I am.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

My Husband, Quick Feet and One Bad Idea

Men are capable of accomplishing amazing feats of intelligence and organization….just not all the time. There are some times when men are driven by inexplicably strong impulses which evade reason and logic. For my wonderful husband, today was one of those times. I’m still wondering how we got from point A to the end of this incident… At point A my husband explained that he wanted to go to the Apple store at the mall to “see if they have those printers that will connect to my I-Phone or I-Pod.” That seems rational enough right? I was all, sure, go check it out, get the prices, MAYBE we should get a new printer. So we are at the mall with our two kids, one stroller , diaper bag and a few shopping bags.

My husband takes the 2 year old (who is determined to become the source of a Lifetime movie as she is always “escaping”) and goes to the Apple store while I feed our baby. Approximately 8 minutes later my husband and little miss quick feet return. Quick feet is running free screaming something at the top of her lungs- par for the course behavior for her. My husband, however, is carrying a box that appears to contain a printer. I can only assume the box is empty because I would never think that my husband would go and buy a brand new printer while we were shopping for kids clothes. I also assume the box is empty because if it were a real printer how would we carry it? It’s not in a cart of any sort and somebody has to push the stroller and somebody has to grab up quick feet so if that box contained a printer how would it survive our shopping trip?

I knew my “empty box” assumption was wrong when my husband was 5 feet away from me. Are you married? Do you have a close relationship with a man? If so, you will understand what I am about to tell you. My husband had that look on his face. It is a slightly goofy look with a hint of aggression. The look says ‘yeah I maybe did something a little crazy and no we didn’t talk about it but I’m grown and I work too so don’t try me.” You KNOW the look. So I give him back my ‘yeah that was crazy, no we didn’t discuss that purchase, yeah you are going to have to figure out how to carry a printer through the mall and if quick feet escapes and makes it into Lifetime fame because of this madness, I’m leaving you” look.

I’m not that wise. I don’t know what comes over good men. They can make 100 reasoned decisions but one day they will lose it and do something expensive and kinda crazy. BLANK STARE. When they dare you to say something about it my only advice to you is to think in the alternative (if you want to have a happy relationship). Say to yourself, hey at least he didn’t get a new I-Pad. If he got an I-Pad say hey at least he didn’t get a new laptop. If he got a laptop….say hey at least he didn’t get a car…..whatever gets you through the day with a smile. There aren’t that many good men and all of them have bad ideas from time to time, learn to cope.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

It's not because he's Black, it's because he's a criminal!

A few Black (or African American if that makes you feel more comfortable) people honestly believe and are saying that the only politician getting in trouble for being corrupt is the former Mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick.  I have heard comments such as "I don't see them going after anyone else as hard as Kwame Kilpatrick." *BLANK STARE* Are yall effing serious?  I am Black (or whatever) and lived in Detroit when Kwame was the mayor and what he did to the city and the people that live and do business in it is a sin and a shame.  He literally ran the city like he was a mob boss.  He is well known to have committed every crime from jay walking to extortion and maybe even murder (*cough* Tamara Green *cough*).  He didn't just make a mistake, from the day he took office he was like a pimp turning a hoe out.  And while people like me did not want to be forced into prostitution, the other citizens of Detroit felt like he was young and "anybody can make a mistake, we should give him a chance another chance." He had the greatest opportunity to help the people here, many of whom were (and still are) facing dire circumstances but instead he stole from us.  In fact he took money that was actually given to him for community building projects and spent it on those suits and diamond earrings that inspired me to embarrassment every time he appeared on TV. 

I don't care who else is corrupt because number one, rarely has anyone seen the likes of Kwame and his gang and number two, he did exactly what the feds say he did!  Perhaps the Feds are going after Kwame because they are racist.  However, there have been well documented racial inequities in the application of the criminal code since there was a criminal code.  When I was little and decided to misbehave with other children my mother would tell me 'those other kids will go home and they wont get in trouble, you will."  Same thing with Black people and crime, you ought to know that no matter who gets away with what, you probably wont so don't even try it.  And if you decide to engage in open corruption for 5 years don't embarrass the rest of us by crying race foul when you get caught (officially) and punished for the stuff you ACTUALLY did.  And Black people, please please please stop saying they are being hard on Kwame because he is Black.  I AM being hard on him because he is Black and because his actions had the most harmful impact on other Black people living in Detroit.  "They" are being hard on Kwame because he is a criminal. I'm disgusted, can you tell?

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

One Reason You May Have A Dirty Kid

Yesterday I was in the bathroom at a restaurant changing my daughter's diaper. While I was on diaper duty a woman came in with her son (or random kid she was responsible for, I didn't ask) and started the following interview with him:

Random lady: Do you know where we are

Random kid with lady: Yes

Random lady: Where are we?

Random kid with lady: A restaurant

Random lady: And do we crawl around on the floor in restaurant?

Random kid with lady: No

Random lady: So when we leave this bathroom are you going to be a big boy and sit at the table and stop crawling around on the floor?


Random kid with lady: No

Random lady: Then we are not leaving this bathroom

I don't have all that much experience with children but here is what I know. Their options must be limited at all times. If left to their own devices with too many choices they will do things like crawl around the dirty floor of a restaurant while you are trying to eat. For this reason, it is ill advised to ask them a question like "are you going to keep crawling around on the floor?" You may as well ask them if they want to keep playing with an electric socket or running out in traffic because all of these things are unacceptable. When behavior is unacceptable, the appropriate parental response is to remove it from the child's available options. So parents who don't want dirty, electrocuted injured children don't ask them what they are going to do, we tell them what they are going to do (and not going to do). For example, random lady should have said 'you are too old to be crawling around the floor in a public place so when we leave this bathroom you will place your backside on the bench and it will not move until I tell you it is time to leave.' See how easy that was. Parents should take a lesson from trial attorneys, don't ask a question youdon't already know the answer to.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

You need to whip your tail to school...

So Willow Iwhipmyhairbackandforth Smith was recently interviewed about how her newfound fame has affected her school work.  Willow admitted that she was no longer able to attend school because of her tour dates and that although she has private tutors she is still behind in her school work because she can’t find the “time” to do the lessons.  *Blank Stare* Will and Jada are yall paying any attention whatsoever to the interviews your daughter is giving?  Further, I don’t agree with, but I do at least understand parents who fame pimp their kids when they are financially strapped.  I do not, however, understand the urgency to rocket Willow Smith to fame at the tender age of 10 years old.  She’s already richer and more famous than 99.2% of the worlds population will ever be due to the circumstances of her birth.  I would be totally ok with her like finishing middle school (if high school is just too much of a stretch) before she comes out with anymore hair whipping hits (which by the way can cause neck strain, dizziness and severe headaches).  Lastly, aren’t there some laws about who has to attend school and until what age? I’m pretty sure there are laws. And finally (seriously this time), now that I have a child I understand that the urge to turn them into a little version of you can be overwhelming.  However, good parents remember that you got to go through all the experiences of being a child which made you into the adult that you are.  Good parents do not take that opportunity at childhood away from their children.  They can walk in your shoes soon enough, just give them time to grow into them (I’m talking to you Will and Jada).
This is not your average 10 year old...or even 21 year old.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Looooong Blank Stare

As you may know (especially if you are Black and at all interested in church), Bishop Eddie Long of the New Birth Baptist Church in Atlanta Georgia has been accused of using his young men's youth academy to groom young men for sexual relationships with him.  It is NOT alleged that he took advantage of the young men before they reached the age of consent in the state of Georgia. However, since Bishop Long is a man and a Bishop and married (and frankly African American but we wont even get into that in this post), that sort of behavior is frowned upon.  I know some of you are already wondering how this can constitute a blank stare moment because if Bishop Long did take advantage of his position in the lives of these young men, that is reprehensible.  However, you may be surprised to know, the Bishop will not be the recipient of a blank stare in this post (because this is not about how he preaches wearing those smedium muscle shirts...).

Instead, I would like to focus on how this story came to our national attention- a lawsuit of course.  The suit has been filed by two young men between 19 and 22 years old who claim they were coerced into a sexual relationship with the being lavished with expensive presents and luxurious trips all over the world...and in return for being lavished, pampered and flown all over they want...(can someone give me a friggin drum roll please) money... *BLANK STARE*  Now I happen to be a lawyer.  I went to a very good law school, graduated, passed the bar exam (the first time) and have been practicing for some years now but I can't say that I understand the cause of action in this case.  I honestly did not know you could sue someone for treating you so well, it made you want to do grown up things with them...while you were a legal grown up.  AGAIN, if Bishop Long did it, and especially if he used the churches financial resources, which is also being alleged, that is a ugly mess of epic proportions, we are clear on that point.  However, why is this the basis for a lawsuit requesting money ???

The last time I checked (today), it is legal for 2 men at or beyond the age of consent to engage in a sexual relationship in the state of Georgia.  You may not like it and I'm sure First Lady Long would agree with you in this instance but it's still legal.  To maintain a lawsuit there has to be some violation of...THE LAW so where are we going with this?  If the members of New Birth want to sue the Bishop for misappropriating their tithes and offering, that might make sense but what is happening now I just can't understand.  Remember, this is not a criminal matter, which also might make more sense, this is a lawsuit asking for money....Or should I say MORE money considering the Plaintiffs claim they already got quite a bit of it...Maybe you can explain it to me because I just can't understand it.

Sidenote: As the daughter of a Pastor who is a good, decent upstanding man this whole debacle, whether true or false, makes me cringe and shudder.