My Husband, Quick Feet and One Bad Idea

Men are capable of accomplishing amazing feats of intelligence and organization….just not all the time. There are some times when men are driven by inexplicably strong impulses which evade reason and logic. For my wonderful husband, today was one of those times. I’m still wondering how we got from point A to the end of this incident… At point A my husband explained that he wanted to go to the Apple store at the mall to “see if they have those printers that will connect to my I-Phone or I-Pod.” That seems rational enough right? I was all, sure, go check it out, get the prices, MAYBE we should get a new printer. So we are at the mall with our two kids, one stroller , diaper bag and a few shopping bags.

My husband takes the 2 year old (who is determined to become the source of a Lifetime movie as she is always “escaping”) and goes to the Apple store while I feed our baby. Approximately 8 minutes later my husband and little miss quick feet return. Quick feet is running free screaming something at the top of her lungs- par for the course behavior for her. My husband, however, is carrying a box that appears to contain a printer. I can only assume the box is empty because I would never think that my husband would go and buy a brand new printer while we were shopping for kids clothes. I also assume the box is empty because if it were a real printer how would we carry it? It’s not in a cart of any sort and somebody has to push the stroller and somebody has to grab up quick feet so if that box contained a printer how would it survive our shopping trip?

I knew my “empty box” assumption was wrong when my husband was 5 feet away from me. Are you married? Do you have a close relationship with a man? If so, you will understand what I am about to tell you. My husband had that look on his face. It is a slightly goofy look with a hint of aggression. The look says ‘yeah I maybe did something a little crazy and no we didn’t talk about it but I’m grown and I work too so don’t try me.” You KNOW the look. So I give him back my ‘yeah that was crazy, no we didn’t discuss that purchase, yeah you are going to have to figure out how to carry a printer through the mall and if quick feet escapes and makes it into Lifetime fame because of this madness, I’m leaving you” look.

I’m not that wise. I don’t know what comes over good men. They can make 100 reasoned decisions but one day they will lose it and do something expensive and kinda crazy. BLANK STARE. When they dare you to say something about it my only advice to you is to think in the alternative (if you want to have a happy relationship). Say to yourself, hey at least he didn’t get a new I-Pad. If he got an I-Pad say hey at least he didn’t get a new laptop. If he got a laptop….say hey at least he didn’t get a car…..whatever gets you through the day with a smile. There aren’t that many good men and all of them have bad ideas from time to time, learn to cope.

It's not because he's Black, it's because he's a criminal!

A few Black (or African American if that makes you feel more comfortable) people honestly believe and are saying that the only politician getting in trouble for being corrupt is the former Mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick.  I have heard comments such as "I don't see them going after anyone else as hard as Kwame Kilpatrick." *BLANK STARE* Are yall effing serious?  I am Black (or whatever) and lived in Detroit when Kwame was the mayor and what he did to the city and the people that live and do business in it is a sin and a shame.  He literally ran the city like he was a mob boss.  He is well known to have committed every crime from jay walking to extortion and maybe even murder (*cough* Tamara Green *cough*).  He didn't just make a mistake, from the day he took office he was like a pimp turning a hoe out.  And while people like me did not want to be forced into prostitution, the other citizens of Detroit felt like he was young and "anybody can make a mistake, we should give him a chance another chance." He had the greatest opportunity to help the people here, many of whom were (and still are) facing dire circumstances but instead he stole from us.  In fact he took money that was actually given to him for community building projects and spent it on those suits and diamond earrings that inspired me to embarrassment every time he appeared on TV. 

I don't care who else is corrupt because number one, rarely has anyone seen the likes of Kwame and his gang and number two, he did exactly what the feds say he did!  Perhaps the Feds are going after Kwame because they are racist.  However, there have been well documented racial inequities in the application of the criminal code since there was a criminal code.  When I was little and decided to misbehave with other children my mother would tell me 'those other kids will go home and they wont get in trouble, you will."  Same thing with Black people and crime, you ought to know that no matter who gets away with what, you probably wont so don't even try it.  And if you decide to engage in open corruption for 5 years don't embarrass the rest of us by crying race foul when you get caught (officially) and punished for the stuff you ACTUALLY did.  And Black people, please please please stop saying they are being hard on Kwame because he is Black.  I AM being hard on him because he is Black and because his actions had the most harmful impact on other Black people living in Detroit.  "They" are being hard on Kwame because he is a criminal. I'm disgusted, can you tell?

One Reason You May Have A Dirty Kid

Yesterday I was in the bathroom at a restaurant changing my daughter's diaper. While I was on diaper duty a woman came in with her son (or random kid she was responsible for, I didn't ask) and started the following interview with him:

Random lady: Do you know where we are

Random kid with lady: Yes

Random lady: Where are we?

Random kid with lady: A restaurant

Random lady: And do we crawl around on the floor in restaurant?

Random kid with lady: No

Random lady: So when we leave this bathroom are you going to be a big boy and sit at the table and stop crawling around on the floor?

Me: *BLANK STARE*

Random kid with lady: No

Random lady: Then we are not leaving this bathroom

I don't have all that much experience with children but here is what I know. Their options must be limited at all times. If left to their own devices with too many choices they will do things like crawl around the dirty floor of a restaurant while you are trying to eat. For this reason, it is ill advised to ask them a question like "are you going to keep crawling around on the floor?" You may as well ask them if they want to keep playing with an electric socket or running out in traffic because all of these things are unacceptable. When behavior is unacceptable, the appropriate parental response is to remove it from the child's available options. So parents who don't want dirty, electrocuted injured children don't ask them what they are going to do, we tell them what they are going to do (and not going to do). For example, random lady should have said 'you are too old to be crawling around the floor in a public place so when we leave this bathroom you will place your backside on the bench and it will not move until I tell you it is time to leave.' See how easy that was. Parents should take a lesson from trial attorneys, don't ask a question youdon't already know the answer to.

You need to whip your tail to school...

So Willow Iwhipmyhairbackandforth Smith was recently interviewed about how her newfound fame has affected her school work.  Willow admitted that she was no longer able to attend school because of her tour dates and that although she has private tutors she is still behind in her school work because she can’t find the “time” to do the lessons.  *Blank Stare* Will and Jada are yall paying any attention whatsoever to the interviews your daughter is giving?  Further, I don’t agree with, but I do at least understand parents who fame pimp their kids when they are financially strapped.  I do not, however, understand the urgency to rocket Willow Smith to fame at the tender age of 10 years old.  She’s already richer and more famous than 99.2% of the worlds population will ever be due to the circumstances of her birth.  I would be totally ok with her like finishing middle school (if high school is just too much of a stretch) before she comes out with anymore hair whipping hits (which by the way can cause neck strain, dizziness and severe headaches).  Lastly, aren’t there some laws about who has to attend school and until what age? I’m pretty sure there are laws. And finally (seriously this time), now that I have a child I understand that the urge to turn them into a little version of you can be overwhelming.  However, good parents remember that you got to go through all the experiences of being a child which made you into the adult that you are.  Good parents do not take that opportunity at childhood away from their children.  They can walk in your shoes soon enough, just give them time to grow into them (I’m talking to you Will and Jada).

This is not your average 10 year old...or even 21 year old.

The Looooong Blank Stare

As you may know (especially if you are Black and at all interested in church), Bishop Eddie Long of the New Birth Baptist Church in Atlanta Georgia has been accused of using his young men's youth academy to groom young men for sexual relationships with him.  It is NOT alleged that he took advantage of the young men before they reached the age of consent in the state of Georgia. However, since Bishop Long is a man and a Bishop and married (and frankly African American but we wont even get into that in this post), that sort of behavior is frowned upon.  I know some of you are already wondering how this can constitute a blank stare moment because if Bishop Long did take advantage of his position in the lives of these young men, that is reprehensible.  However, you may be surprised to know, the Bishop will not be the recipient of a blank stare in this post (because this is not about how he preaches wearing those smedium muscle shirts...).

Instead, I would like to focus on how this story came to our national attention- a lawsuit of course.  The suit has been filed by two young men between 19 and 22 years old who claim they were coerced into a sexual relationship with the Bishop...by being lavished with expensive presents and luxurious trips all over the world...and in return for being lavished, pampered and flown all over they want...(can someone give me a friggin drum roll please) money... *BLANK STARE*  Now I happen to be a lawyer.  I went to a very good law school, graduated, passed the bar exam (the first time) and have been practicing for some years now but I can't say that I understand the cause of action in this case.  I honestly did not know you could sue someone for treating you so well, it made you want to do grown up things with them...while you were a legal grown up.  AGAIN, if Bishop Long did it, and especially if he used the churches financial resources, which is also being alleged, that is a ugly mess of epic proportions, we are clear on that point.  However, why is this the basis for a lawsuit requesting money ???

The last time I checked (today), it is legal for 2 men at or beyond the age of consent to engage in a sexual relationship in the state of Georgia.  You may not like it and I'm sure First Lady Long would agree with you in this instance but it's still legal.  To maintain a lawsuit there has to be some violation of...THE LAW so where are we going with this?  If the members of New Birth want to sue the Bishop for misappropriating their tithes and offering, that might make sense but what is happening now I just can't understand.  Remember, this is not a criminal matter, which also might make more sense, this is a lawsuit asking for money....Or should I say MORE money considering the Plaintiffs claim they already got quite a bit of it...Maybe you can explain it to me because I just can't understand it.

Sidenote: As the daughter of a Pastor who is a good, decent upstanding man this whole debacle, whether true or false, makes me cringe and shudder.

True Story- "Just squeeze em yourself"

I just got off the phone with my Aunt who was reviewing my baby registry list.  My Aunt named several items and gave her opinion of why they were unnecessary as follows:

The mobile that goes on the crib- That will terrify the baby.  Haven't you seen the commercial where the baby is looking up at the mobile and goes crazy?

The swing- Looks like it’s only fit for a preemie plus it may terrify the baby.


The diaper genie- Just wipe em off and throw em in the trash.


Baby Einstein Entertainer- The baby will be dumb no matter what you buy unless you read to her so you may as well save your money and just read to her.

Breast pump- Just squeeze em yourself.

Breast milk storage bags- Use ziplock bags.

The baby potty- She wont need this until she is like 3 (WHAT?!?!?!?!)

Bottle brushes (to clean out the baby's bottles)- Use a wet rag and a butter knife, it will work just fine.

Bibs- You know if you put these on here people will just buy them from the dollar store.

BLANK STARE to all of these comments.

STOP CRAPPING IN THE DISH!

Ok, so I have to get deep just for one second.  Our country (the U.S.) has a serious problem with race and race relations.  We have a long history of mismanagement of this issue on the one hand and trying to ignore it completley on the other. I am not going to go into details because that is not what this post is about but we all know some very bad crap happened a long time ago and some seriously messed up things are still happening today (although, people tend to struggle with this latter concept).  I only say all of this to let you know that I am not one of those people who is under the misconception that the Civil War or the Emancipation Proclamation or the Civil Rights Act or Brown v. Board of Education or whatever the hell else has been done in the name of equality has actually repaired all of the damage we have done.

HOWEVER, I find comments such as the following highly annoying.  Jesse Jackson has taken a moment out of his busy schedule (what does JJ actually do???) to bless us with this gem of knowledge concerning Dan Gilbert's comments (See my previous post) about Lebron James decision to leave the Cavs. JJ said Dan Gilbert's “feelings of betrayal personify a slave master mentality” and constitute an “attack on all NBA players.” *BLANK STARE*  I know I am running the risk of oversimplifying some really deep reference to race relations JJ is making but when did a slave master ever beg a slave to stay on the plantation by offering him 30 million dollars?  And didn't slave owners like kill runaway slaves instead of writing open letters about them and posting them in public? 

There are legitimate issues affecting Black people in the U.S. as a result of slavery and comments like this make people intolerant of hearing about or understanding those issues.  It's like you have a really appetizing dish you want to serve that will engage everyone's taste buds but someone keeps crapping in it.  How long until no one wants anything to do with that dish?  People on all sides of the race issue in this country need to be much more realistic in their approach.  We neither live in a country where race is of no relevance or in a country where it is the cause of every problem (though it may be lurking underneath a great number of them).  I don't think Dan Gilbert displayed a slave master's mentality in dealing with James' decision, I think he acted half like a business man who just lost A LOT of money and half like a jilted lover who just lost his bed buddy.  Let's put away the "race card" and save it for a time when it is actually relevant (because the time will come).

Stolen Wing Dings and Dan Gilbert

So everyone is aware that the Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert took a sharp left on the (Ohio proclaimed) dethroned Lebron James. What you may not know is that he explained his scathing statements referring to James as a traitor, a poor example for children and a quitter (among other things) by saying that he believed James quit on the Cavs in the playoff series in 2009 against Orlando and the series this year against the Celtics. *BLANK STARE* Never mind that he may have a point (at least about this year). He is getting a blank stare because he is the one who offered the two time "quitter" 30 million dollars if he would only come back and agree to "quit" for 6 more years.

Once upon a time I was sick of my job at Ponderosa and I gave up on them. I can admit it. I hid when new tables would get seated, stole chicken wing dings from the buffet and ate them from my apron in the bussing station and occasionally hung out in the cooler where I could enjoy sliced peaches from the can. Let me tell you, not only was I not offered a 6 year contract or 30 mill, I didn't even get a going away party or like minimum wage. I say this to say that most employers are not in the habit of rewarding chronic quitters (or wing ding thieves). So if James quit two years in a row during critical moments and Gilbert still offered him 30 million dollars who should Cleveland fans really be mad at?

While I am on the subject of those Cleveland fans, *BLANK STARE* to them and all professional sports fans all over the country like them (now I'm talking about you Lakers fans too). Unless all of these people are atheist and do not believe there is a God (which I doubt), we have a serious mix up in our priorities. Burning jerseys, crying and sinking into a state of depression are all pathologically scary reactions to the decision of one human being. I don't care what anybody says, as long as there is still no cure for cancer, the economy sucks and there are people in third world countries or right in the U.S. in places that resemble third world countries who don't have enough to eat or clean water, all of this uproar over Lebron James is ri-damn-diculous. Check your bank accounts sports fans, did you get any money off of James decision? Did you lose any? Look in the mirror do you still look the same, you live in the same house, got the same problems? Ok, so your life has not changed one bit. Move on to something that matters. Please.

This is the kind of stuff that makes people dislike Republicans!

I try my best to avoid over-identifying with either the Republicans or the Democrats. There are equally good reasons to dislike both parties and their political philosophies and neither party seems to have good affordable solutions to fixing some of the most serious problems our country is facing. In my opinion both parties bicker with each other and the White House way too much and neither gives the other party credit when they make a valid point which diminishes their credibility in my eyes. I say all of this as a disclaimer because even though this post is about the Republicans, please do not make the mistake of pounding your chest with democratic pride as both parties are well deserving of multiple blank stares and evil squints.


TO THE POINT: Rep. Joe Barton (R) is the top Republican on the Energy and Commerce Committee. This morning he apologized to the CEO of BP (you know, the company that has "accidentally" altered our entire ecosystem and is wholly unable to fix the problem), Tony Hayward for the behavior of the White House towards him on yesterday. Rep. Barton said the following "I am ashamed by what happened at the White House yesterday...It's a tragedy that a private corporation can be subjected to a shakedown." *BLANK STARE* In case you don't know Rep. Barton is referring to the fact that the White House was able to obtain assurances from BP that it will set up a $20 Billion Dollar fund to pay the claims of people whose lives and livelihoods have been devastated by this massive oil spill (that just wont stop).

Here is the really confusing part, Rep. Barton said:
“I'm only speaking for myself, I'm not speaking for anybody else, but I apologize I do not want to live in a country where any time a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong it is subject to some sort of political pressure that is again in my words amounts to a ‘shakedown’ so I apologize,” *BLANK STARE*

Please note, Mr. Barton seems aware that BP has actually done something wrong. But apparently, he does not believe that doing something wrong warrants a corporation being forced to actually pay for the mistake they made. What kind of country would you like to live in Mr. Barton? You want to live in a place where you wake up one day and one of the richest corporations in the country has recklessly destroyed your life and all of the wildlife in your area because it was economically feasible for them to do so? Oh wait, we already live there. How about a country where this happens and then the same corporation that was too cheap to take the proper safety precautions in the first place is trusted to just altruistically compensate you for the havoc it has reeked in your life? If the answer is yes Mr. Barton, I recommend you hop on the next thing smoking and go find that country and STAY there.

You want to hear about a shakedown Mr. Barton? Let me tell you the story of millions of hard working Americans who arrive at the gas pumps (so we can get to our jobs) and find that gas prices have quadrupled in the course of 7-10 days (during which time minimum wage has not budged). The prices have gone up not because there is less oil or because the oil at the higher price is better quality but solely based on random speculation as to the future availability of the product. What do the hardworking Americans do? We keep pumping because we have no choice. Now THAT is a shakedown Mr. Barton!


I'm dropping the microphone and walking away from this, because it is making me nauseated.

P.S. Rep. Barton has a record of accepting big contributions from the oil industry, having raked in $1.4 million from the industry since 1989 and is one of the top ten all-time biggest recipients of BP money in the House of Representatives, according to the Center for Responsive Politics. DONE and DONE!

Update: Several (though not all) top republicans are now disavowing this apology given by Rep. Barton and getting as far away from it as possible.  Among those who disagree with Barton is Rep. Boehner the House Minority Leader.

There are worse things than being fat

Alli is a popular weight loss drug that has recently come under scrutiny for the risk that it causes liver disease.  In an "informative" commercial sponsored by the makers of Alli, they advise users to consult a physician if experiencing a number of symptoms.  Among these symptoms is weight loss... *BLANK STARE* So basically if this drug actually works for you, it may also be killing you...Is there an upside? Suuuure, if you are concerned about leaving behind a thin corpse....