I hope this comes with a chauffeur...

I heard a radio advertisement for a local philanthropic organization, "Heritage For The Blind."  The organization is accepting donations for the visually impaired...of cars....*Blank Stare*  I am all for equal rights for the disabled but is this really a good idea???  My grandfather drove for years with cataracts on both eyes and although he could still see (a little, in very good light) it is a miracle he didn't maim anyone on the road (though curbs all over the state of Illinois were assaulted on a daily basis).  Should we really be counting on acts of God to get our fellow drivers from point A to point B?  I'm just not so sure about this one.

I'm just sayin...

The Smell of Stupidity!

First, I just want you all to know that I had to look this story up to make sure it was true. I heard on the radio this morning that City of Detroit employees would be receiving free...deodorant (of all the things they might really need???) *Blank Stare* But the good part of this story is the reason for the deodorant soup kitchen. Apparently a city employee filed a lawsuit claiming that the smell of another employee’s bath products made her so sick that it was impossible for her to do her job. * Second Blank Stare* The lawsuit, which was filed in federal court, actually settled for $100,000.00. *Third Blank Stare* As a result, city employees have been warned to refrain from using scented bath products including, lotions, perfumes and you guessed it- deodorant. However, the city rightfully feared that a pervasive stench created by unmitigated "funk" might be equally offensive. Therefore, today and tomorrow city employees can receive free packets of unscented deodorant. * Final Blank Stare*

My personal rant: If you have been in Detroit lately, read a Time magazine in the past year, saw the Oprah special on poverty or heard the now famous song by country singer John Rich ("Shutting Detroit Down"), you would know we are facing some serious problems in the city of Detroit. I can't help but to wonder what $100,000.00 may have done to aid in one of the many economic crises facing the city. But as usual, instead of using money constructively, we open the window which separates us from the unintelligent laziness of people like the employee and throw the money out.

Let me tell you all of the dumb stuff that offends me about my job: the hours (I would rather a much shorter work day), the stacks of paper (I mean I just get tired of reading), the guy in the next office who has a voice like the jolly green giant and takes EVERY call on speakerphone, the coffee, the bathroom soap (dries my hands out), the receptionist who always mixes my father up with my sister on the phone (*Blank Stare*) etc. etc. etc. It never crossed my mind to sue anyone for these discomforts because I just assumed them to be occupational hazards. Since I need to stay occupied (aka, employed), I suck it up and keep it moving. Has the whole world gone crazy????

Tickle Me Massa

In case you do not keep up with political news let me just give you some background information: Eric Massa was one of the Democratic Representatives from New York.  He recently resigned from the House citing "health reasons."  He later recanted his initial resignation explanation stating that he was actually forced out of the House by other democratic House members who knew he would not vote for the new health care reform bill.  House members and White House staffers fired back that in actuality Massa should be banished to the short bus forever because he has some serious mental deficiencies.  Well, perhaps I am exaggerating somewhat for entertainment purposes but Democrats actually did say that Massa has a problem keeping his hands to himself.  Apparently, Massa was involved in several "inappropriate" incidents with his own staffers involving his wondering hands. 

NOW FOR THE GOOD PART: Massa admits that he may have been involved in some incidents which could have been viewed as inappropriate when taken out of context.  However, he claims there was nothing sexual about any touching he has done.  When asked about groping a particular staffer last night on the Glenn Beck (don't even get me started on him) Show he stated “Yeah, I did... Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn’t breathe. And they all jumped on top of me. You can take anything out of context.”  *Blank Stare*

(Would you expect this person to run up on you and start tickling you?)

I just have a few questions for Mr. Massa: What exactly is being taken out of context? Why in the name of all that is reasonable and sane are you groping and tickling staffers during public events? Are you taking your meds? Seriously, be honest... Is this what's going on in our federal government?  Is this why they can't get any work done? They are too busy tickling one another...

Babies Courtesy of China

So I heard on the radio this morning that millions of condoms made in China have been found to be counterfeit (made with a cheaper material that will not hold...what it is supposed to hold).  *Blank Stare* Most of these counterfeit condoms have been imported to the United States so I recommend that people relying on this form of prophylactic take a long hard look at the package and see where it came from.  Also, doesn't China already have a huge population problem?  I would think they would specialize in condom technology....*Blank Stare*  (oooooh, maybe this is why they have a population problem????)

If you are using a condom made in China, you may be looking at one of the below images soon...

Where exactly do you think we are?

I live in the state of Michigan.  The overnight low in my city was 24 degrees.  This morning when I was on my way to work, it was a whole 29 degrees. But for some reason a man with a receding hairline, sunglasses and windbreaker drove by me with the top down on his sports car like he had not a care in the world.  *Blank Stare* (I mention the hairline because I just KNOW his head had to have been cold...).  Was the top broken because I understand that in this economy you have to do what you have to do to get work?  Is he maybe from the North Pole and to him Michigan is like Hawaii?  I just have so many questions about this.

You just oughta be slapped...

This one goes out to all of the professional athletes with multimillion dollar contracts who get into legal trouble over stupid stuff that they had no business doing.  This list includes but is not limited to all of the following people:

• Braylon Edwards (and his disorderly conduct)
• Gilbert Arenas (really Gil, you brought your guns with you to protect your kids, REALLY??? I need to have a long talk with your PR person)
• Plaxico Burress (a fellow MSU alum who apparently does not actively utilize his education.  It seems shooting yourself would be punishment enough but alas you and your bad leg are going to prison.)
• Mike Vick (I don't care about the dogs, sorry but I don't.  However, this was a totally unnecessary mess for MV to have involved himself with.  Please leave the dog fighting to the people with nothing to lose)
• OJ Simpson (Although he has never been in LEGAL hot water over anything that could properly be classified as "stupid" - i.e. murder, kidnapping, robbery, etc.- no list like this would be complete without him.  I mean really OJ, after your legal dream team performs a miracle on par with turning water into wine you decide to rob and kidnap someone?)

(It's not that the above individuals can not or have not recovered from their mistakes.  It is the fact that they would risk so much for so little that lands them on this list.)

All of you and everyone else who has blown the opportunity of a lifetime doing stuff that just makes absolutely no sense- go long and catch this *Blank Stare* because you deserve it!

Girl please get you some flats...

I'm watching the BET celebration of gospel (which is worthy of several Blank Stares for a variety of reasons) and wondering why after all this time Fantasia has not found a pair of shoes that she can perform in. *Blank Stare* As soon as Fanny hits the stage, her feet go in one direction and her shoes in another. I mean is that even sanitary? *Blank Stare*  (The below pic is illustrative of my point although it is not from her performance tonight...it is another barefoot performance...)

The Deputy and Red-Face

While I was in court today, a sound like a quiet buzzing noise arose from somewhere to the left of me. Now, I have to get up early to go to court, it’s crowded, I have to put on heals and I am not a morning person so naturally I purposely ignore everything around me and just pray that my cases are called quickly. However, I was unable to ignore the Wayne County Deputy Sherriff who leapt over my lap and bent over the attorney sitting next to me (which of course left his boxed shaped booty to close to my face for my comfort) to tell the rotund red-faced man in a T-Shirt sitting next to her who was politely leaning on his cane and taking a nap that no sleeping is permitted in the courtroom. *Blank Stare* I just wish the Deputy had taken a moment to consider which of the two scenarios would be more disruptive: allowing the man to sleep and emit the quiet buzzing or running his 6'2 self across the room and into the gallery to loudly tell the man to wake up.... *Blank Stare*

Further, as soon as the Sherriff returned to his "post" the man nodded directly back off (now I am wide awake and that was quite funny). So Deputy Nosleep is staring at the man intently with one foot out as if at any minute he is going to disrupt our row again by waking red-face up (the young female attorney sitting next to me seemed concerned by this possibility as well). Thankfully, red-face stirs from his nap on his own and THEN (wait for it wait for it)....loudly tells the Deputy "SORRY I HAVE A CONDITION" ...Which, by the way, if the Deputy had looked at the man closely, would have been apparent. The take home lesson- take a moment to consider the outcome of your actions and always avoid trying to put out a fire using gasoline.

Under The Covers

To all the men out there who are like my husband and believe that you can safely expel noxious odors under the covers without offending the person in the bed with you *Blank Stare*  The problem with this overly simplistic theory is that inevitably the covers are going to move and when they do all of the toxic gas you trapped inside of them will waft out.  At that point your partners eyes will bug out when she begins to choke as she suddenly finds that there is a limited amount of oxygen in the air.  And men, do you know what they will do?  They will give the woman a blank stare and say "it can't be that bad, it was like five minutes ago"... *EVIL NASTY SQUINT*

Ugly is as ugly does...

Did you know that there was a dating and networking website for "beautiful people." To become a member of the website your photograph has to be voted on by other members of the site.  If you are "beautiful" enough, you may gain membership.  I was driving home from work yesterday minding my own business when I heard a news broadcast stating that 5000 members of the site were removed following the holidays because they gained weight over the holidays.  *Blank Stare*  I'm almost speechless (almost)...but alas I have thought of a few questions that I just really need answers to.  First, who is verifying the photos on the largely anonymous internet?  Does the verification person become suspicious when several people bear striking resemblances to Beyonce or Brad Pitt or (insert the name of other person who people think of as really attractive)?  How much weight did these people gain over the holidays and are they updating their pictures on a daily basis (*in a whisper* I mean why didn't they just go work out and then update their profile pic)?  Who wants to date someone who is shallow enough to become a member of such an asinine site or insecure enough to expose their physical attributes to public voting ?  Finally (this is the big one), why if you are so friggin beautiful do you need to find a date on the internet (not that people who internet date are unattractive but really this is a new level of ridiculousness)? *Blank Stare*