Moments Worthy Of My Famous Blank Stare

It's not because he's Black, it's because he's a criminal!

2010-12-16T14:17:00.001-05:00

A few Black (or African American if that makes you feel more comfortable) people honestly believe and are saying that the only politician getting in trouble for being corrupt is the former Mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick. I have heard comments such as "I don't see them going after anyone else as hard as Kwame Kilpatrick." *BLANK STARE* Are yall effing serious? I am Black (or whatever) and lived in Detroit when Kwame was the mayor and what he did to the city and the people that live and do business in it is a sin and a shame. He literally ran the city like he was a mob boss. He is well known to have committed every crime from jay walking to extortion and maybe even murder (*cough* Tamara Green *cough*). He didn't just make a mistake, from the day he took office he was like a pimp turning a hoe out. And while people like me did not want to be forced into prostitution, the other citizens of Detroit felt like he was young and "anybody can make a mistake, we should give him ~~a chance~~ another chance." He had the greatest opportunity to help the people here, many of whom were (and still are) facing dire circumstances but instead he stole from us. In fact he took money that was actually given to him for community building projects and spent it on those suits and diamond earrings that inspired me to embarrassment every time he appeared on TV.

I don't care who else is corrupt because number one, rarely has anyone seen the likes of Kwame and his gang and number two, he did exactly what the feds say he did! Perhaps the Feds are going after Kwame because they are racist. However, there have been well documented racial inequities in the application of the criminal code since there was a criminal code. When I was little and decided to misbehave with other children my mother would tell me 'those other kids will go home and they wont get in trouble, you will." Same thing with Black people and crime, you ought to know that no matter who gets away with what, you probably wont so don't even try it. And if you decide to engage in open corruption for 5 years don't embarrass the rest of us by crying race foul when you get caught (officially) and punished for the stuff you ACTUALLY did. And Black people, please please please stop saying they are being hard on Kwame because he is Black. I AM being hard on him because he is Black and because his actions had the most harmful impact on other Black people living in Detroit. "They" are being hard on Kwame because he is a criminal. I'm disgusted, can you tell?

One Reason You May Have A Dirty Kid

2010-12-15T14:37:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I was in the bathroom at a restaurant changing my daughter's diaper. While I was on diaper duty a woman came in with her son (or random kid she was responsible for, I didn't ask) and started the following interview with him:

Random lady: Do you know where we are

Random kid with lady: Yes

Random lady: Where are we?

Random kid with lady: A restaurant

Random lady: And do we crawl around on the floor in restaurant?

Random kid with lady: No

Random lady: So when we leave this bathroom are you going to be a big boy and sit at the table and stop crawling around on the floor?

Me: *BLANK STARE*

Random kid with lady: No

Random lady: Then we are not leaving this bathroom

I don't have all that much experience with children but here is what I know. Their options must be limited at all times. If left to their own devices with too many choices they will do things like crawl around the dirty floor of a restaurant while you are trying to eat. For this reason, it is ill advised to ask them a question like "are you going to keep crawling around on the floor?" You may as well ask them if they want to keep playing with an electric socket or running out in traffic because all of these things are unacceptable. When behavior is unacceptable, the appropriate parental response is to remove it from the child's available options. So parents who don't want dirty, electrocuted injured children don't ask them what they are going to do, we tell them what they are going to do (and not going to do). For example, random lady should have said 'you are too old to be crawling around the floor in a public place so when we leave this bathroom you will place your backside on the bench and it will not move until I tell you it is time to leave.' See how easy that was. Parents should take a lesson from trial attorneys, don't ask a question youdon't already know the answer to.

You need to whip your tail to school...

2010-12-14T13:11:00.001-05:00

So Willow Iwhipmyhairbackandforth Smith was recently interviewed about how her newfound fame has affected her school work. Willow admitted that she was no longer able to attend school because of her tour dates and that although she has private tutors she is still behind in her school work because she can’t find the “time” to do the lessons. *Blank Stare* Will and Jada are yall paying any attention whatsoever to the interviews your daughter is giving? Further, I don’t agree with, but I do at least understand parents who fame pimp their kids when they are financially strapped. I do not, however, understand the urgency to rocket Willow Smith to fame at the tender age of 10 years old. She’s already richer and more famous than 99.2% of the worlds population will ever be due to the circumstances of her birth. I would be totally ok with her like finishing middle school (if high school is just too much of a stretch) before she comes out with anymore hair whipping hits (which by the way can cause neck strain, dizziness and severe headaches). Lastly, aren’t there some laws about who has to attend school and until what age? I’m pretty sure there are laws. And finally (seriously this time), now that I have a child I understand that the urge to turn them into a little version of you can be overwhelming. However, good parents remember that you got to go through all the experiences of being a child which made you into the adult that you are. Good parents do not take that opportunity at childhood away from their children. They can walk in your shoes soon enough, just give them time to grow into them (I’m talking to you Will and Jada).

This is not your average 10 year old...or even 21 year old.

The Looooong Blank Stare

2010-09-22T14:23:00.000-04:00

As you may know (especially if you are Black and at all interested in church), Bishop Eddie Long of the New Birth Baptist Church in Atlanta Georgia has been accused of using his young men's youth academy to groom young men for sexual relationships with him. It is NOT alleged that he took advantage of the young men before they reached the age of consent in the state of Georgia. However, since Bishop Long is a man and a Bishop and married (and frankly African American but we wont even get into that in this post), that sort of behavior is frowned upon. I know some of you are already wondering how this can constitute a blank stare moment because if Bishop Long did take advantage of his position in the lives of these young men, that is reprehensible. However, you may be surprised to know, the Bishop will not be the recipient of a blank stare in this post (because this is not about how he preaches wearing those smedium muscle shirts...).

Instead, I would like to focus on how this story came to our national attention- a lawsuit of course. The suit has been filed by two young men between 19 and 22 years old who claim they were coerced into a sexual relationship with the Bishop...by being lavished with expensive presents and luxurious trips all over the world...and in return for being lavished, pampered and flown all over they want...(can someone give me a friggin drum roll please) money... *BLANK STARE* Now I happen to be a lawyer. I went to a very good law school, graduated, passed the bar exam (the first time) and have been practicing for some years now but I can't say that I understand the cause of action in this case. I honestly did not know you could sue someone for treating you so well, it made you want to do grown up things with them...while you were a legal grown up. AGAIN, if Bishop Long did it, and especially if he used the churches financial resources, which is also being alleged, that is a ugly mess of epic proportions, we are clear on that point. However, why is this the basis for a lawsuit requesting money ???

The last time I checked (today), it is legal for 2 men at or beyond the age of consent to engage in a sexual relationship in the state of Georgia. You may not like it and I'm sure First Lady Long would agree with you in this instance but it's still legal. To maintain a lawsuit there has to be some violation of...THE LAW so where are we going with this? If the members of New Birth want to sue the Bishop for misappropriating their tithes and offering, that might make sense but what is happening now I just can't understand. Remember, this is not a criminal matter, which also might make more sense, this is a lawsuit asking for money....Or should I say MORE money considering the Plaintiffs claim they already got quite a bit of it...Maybe you can explain it to me because I just can't understand it.

Sidenote: As the daughter of a Pastor who is a good, decent upstanding man this whole debacle, whether true or false, makes me cringe and shudder.

True Story- "Just squeeze em yourself"

2010-07-27T14:08:00.002-04:00

I just got off the phone with my Aunt who was reviewing my baby registry list. My Aunt named several items and gave her opinion of why they were unnecessary as follows:

The mobile that goes on the crib- That will terrify the baby. Haven't you seen the commercial where the baby is looking up at the mobile and goes crazy?

The swing- Looks like it’s only fit for a preemie plus it may terrify the baby.

The diaper genie- Just wipe em off and throw em in the trash.

Baby Einstein Entertainer- The baby will be dumb no matter what you buy unless you read to her so you may as well save your money and just read to her.

Breast pump- Just squeeze em yourself.

Breast milk storage bags- Use ziplock bags.

The baby potty- She wont need this until she is like 3 (WHAT?!?!?!?!)

Bottle brushes (to clean out the baby's bottles)- Use a wet rag and a butter knife, it will work just fine.

Bibs- You know if you put these on here people will just buy them from the dollar store.

BLANK STARE to all of these comments.

STOP CRAPPING IN THE DISH!

2010-07-12T11:24:00.001-04:00

Ok, so I have to get deep just for one second. Our country (the U.S.) has a serious problem with race and race relations. We have a long history of mismanagement of this issue on the one hand and trying to ignore it completley on the other. I am not going to go into details because that is not what this post is about but we all know some very bad crap happened a long time ago and some seriously messed up things are still happening today (although, people tend to struggle with this latter concept). I only say all of this to let you know that I am not one of those people who is under the misconception that the Civil War or the Emancipation Proclamation or the Civil Rights Act or Brown v. Board of Education or whatever the hell else has been done in the name of equality has actually repaired all of the damage we have done.

HOWEVER, I find comments such as the following highly annoying. Jesse Jackson has taken a moment out of his busy schedule (what does JJ actually do???) to bless us with this gem of knowledge concerning Dan Gilbert's comments (See my previous post) about Lebron James decision to leave the Cavs. JJ said Dan Gilbert's “feelings of betrayal personify a slave master mentality” and constitute an “attack on all NBA players.” *BLANK STARE* I know I am running the risk of oversimplifying some really deep reference to race relations JJ is making but when did a slave master ever beg a slave to stay on the plantation by offering him 30 million dollars? And didn't slave owners like kill runaway slaves instead of writing open letters about them and posting them in public?

There are legitimate issues affecting Black people in the U.S. as a result of slavery and comments like this make people intolerant of hearing about or understanding those issues. It's like you have a really appetizing dish you want to serve that will engage everyone's taste buds but someone keeps crapping in it. How long until no one wants anything to do with that dish? People on all sides of the race issue in this country need to be much more realistic in their approach. We neither live in a country where race is of no relevance or in a country where it is the cause of every problem (though it may be lurking underneath a great number of them). I don't think Dan Gilbert displayed a slave master's mentality in dealing with James' decision, I think he acted half like a business man who just lost A LOT of money and half like a jilted lover who just lost his bed buddy. Let's put away the "race card" and save it for a time when it is actually relevant (because the time will come).

Stolen Wing Dings and Dan Gilbert

2010-07-09T14:00:00.000-04:00

So everyone is aware that the Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert took a sharp left on the (Ohio proclaimed) dethroned Lebron James. What you may not know is that he explained his scathing statements referring to James as a traitor, a poor example for children and a quitter (among other things) by saying that he believed James quit on the Cavs in the playoff series in 2009 against Orlando and the series this year against the Celtics. *BLANK STARE* Never mind that he may have a point (at least about this year). He is getting a blank stare because he is the one who offered the two time "quitter" 30 million dollars if he would only come back and agree to "quit" for 6 more years.

Once upon a time I was sick of my job at Ponderosa and I gave up on them. I can admit it. I hid when new tables would get seated, stole chicken wing dings from the buffet and ate them from my apron in the bussing station and occasionally hung out in the cooler where I could enjoy sliced peaches from the can. Let me tell you, not only was I not offered a 6 year contract or 30 mill, I didn't even get a going away party or like minimum wage. I say this to say that most employers are not in the habit of rewarding chronic quitters (or wing ding thieves). So if James quit two years in a row during critical moments and Gilbert still offered him 30 million dollars who should Cleveland fans really be mad at?

While I am on the subject of those Cleveland fans, *BLANK STARE* to them and all professional sports fans all over the country like them (now I'm talking about you Lakers fans too). Unless all of these people are atheist and do not believe there is a God (which I doubt), we have a serious mix up in our priorities. Burning jerseys, crying and sinking into a state of depression are all pathologically scary reactions to the decision of one human being. I don't care what anybody says, as long as there is still no cure for cancer, the economy sucks and there are people in third world countries or right in the U.S. in places that resemble third world countries who don't have enough to eat or clean water, all of this uproar over Lebron James is ri-damn-diculous. Check your bank accounts sports fans, did you get any money off of James decision? Did you lose any? Look in the mirror do you still look the same, you live in the same house, got the same problems? Ok, so your life has not changed one bit. Move on to something that matters. Please.

This is the kind of stuff that makes people dislike Republicans!

2010-06-17T12:34:00.002-04:00

I try my best to avoid over-identifying with either the Republicans or the Democrats. There are equally good reasons to dislike both parties and their political philosophies and neither party seems to have good affordable solutions to fixing some of the most serious problems our country is facing. In my opinion both parties bicker with each other and the White House way too much and neither gives the other party credit when they make a valid point which diminishes their credibility in my eyes. I say all of this as a disclaimer because even though this post is about the Republicans, please do not make the mistake of pounding your chest with democratic pride as both parties are well deserving of multiple blank stares and evil squints.

TO THE POINT: Rep. Joe Barton (R) is the top Republican on the Energy and Commerce Committee. This morning he apologized to the CEO of BP (you know, the company that has "accidentally" altered our entire ecosystem and is wholly unable to fix the problem), Tony Hayward for the behavior of the White House towards him on yesterday. Rep. Barton said the following "I am ashamed by what happened at the White House yesterday...It's a tragedy that a private corporation can be subjected to a shakedown." *BLANK STARE* In case you don't know Rep. Barton is referring to the fact that the White House was able to obtain assurances from BP that it will set up a $20 Billion Dollar fund to pay the claims of people whose lives and livelihoods have been devastated by this massive oil spill (that just wont stop).

Here is the really confusing part, Rep. Barton said:
“I'm only speaking for myself, I'm not speaking for anybody else, but I apologize I do not want to live in a country where any time a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong it is subject to some sort of political pressure that is again in my words amounts to a ‘shakedown’ so I apologize,” *BLANK STARE*

Please note, Mr. Barton seems aware that BP has actually done something wrong. But apparently, he does not believe that doing something wrong warrants a corporation being forced to actually pay for the mistake they made. What kind of country would you like to live in Mr. Barton? You want to live in a place where you wake up one day and one of the richest corporations in the country has recklessly destroyed your life and all of the wildlife in your area because it was economically feasible for them to do so? Oh wait, we already live there. How about a country where this happens and then the same corporation that was too cheap to take the proper safety precautions in the first place is trusted to just altruistically compensate you for the havoc it has reeked in your life? If the answer is yes Mr. Barton, I recommend you hop on the next thing smoking and go find that country and STAY there.

You want to hear about a shakedown Mr. Barton? Let me tell you the story of millions of hard working Americans who arrive at the gas pumps (so we can get to our jobs) and find that gas prices have quadrupled in the course of 7-10 days (during which time minimum wage has not budged). The prices have gone up not because there is less oil or because the oil at the higher price is better quality but solely based on random speculation as to the future availability of the product. What do the hardworking Americans do? We keep pumping because we have no choice. Now THAT is a shakedown Mr. Barton!

I'm dropping the microphone and walking away from this, because it is making me nauseated.

P.S. Rep. Barton has a record of accepting big contributions from the oil industry, having raked in $1.4 million from the industry since 1989 and is one of the top ten all-time biggest recipients of BP money in the House of Representatives, according to the Center for Responsive Politics. DONE and DONE!

Update: Several (though not all) top republicans are now disavowing this apology given by Rep. Barton and getting as far away from it as possible. Among those who disagree with Barton is Rep. Boehner the House Minority Leader.

There are worse things than being fat

2010-06-17T11:54:00.000-04:00

Alli is a popular weight loss drug that has recently come under scrutiny for the risk that it causes liver disease. In an "informative" commercial sponsored by the makers of Alli, they advise users to consult a physician if experiencing a number of symptoms. Among these symptoms is weight loss... *BLANK STARE* So basically if this drug actually works for you, it may also be killing you...Is there an upside? Suuuure, if you are concerned about leaving behind a thin corpse....

I'm going to need some assistance with this one....

2010-05-14T11:03:00.003-04:00

I'm posting a link to a youtube video that has been all over the news and frankly I don't know who to give a blank stare to or if a blank stare is even appropriate here. Watch the video now and then read on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksTqWQEOe1k

I think maybe the parents need to be slapped, the competition sponsors need to be stopped, the audience needs to be checked for pedophiles and all of America needs to be dipped in holy water for this ish. OR, the kids are super-talented and the performance is just somewhat misguided.... Everyone is always telling me what I should make into blank stare moments so here is your chance. You tell me, blank stare or not and if so, who is getting it?

UPDATE: The link below is a video of the parents "response" to the wide spread criticsim of their daughters performance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fs8sui4N3wE&annotation_id=annotation_460428&feature=iv

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have found our blank stare recipients.

This is why people have day jobs...

2010-05-04T16:33:00.000-04:00

I don't know or care why Kobe Bryant elected to take part in this "fashion forward" photo shoot. All I do know is that being an entertainer does not make you a model and being a model ought not make you an idiot in white. What's that you say? Am I biased? Yes, because I don't like the Lakers and I can't stand Kobe Ilovemyselfenoughforbothofus Bryant. Further, as there are so many people out there like me, producing a photo such as the one depicted herein is ill advised and provides us with unnecessary ammo. So pow pow Kobe please spare us any further suspect photo shoots.

*Blank Stare*

So apparently bras and cell phones DO NOT mix...

2010-04-15T13:36:00.001-04:00

I just got off the phone with someone who called me back in response to a text message I sent earlier in the day. She told me she was unable to text me back because the touch screen on her phone has malfunctioned. The malfunction was caused by apparent water damage the phone sustained as the result of being kept in her bra...*Blank Stare* I have questions but I don't want to ask them because I don't want the answers...

I don't know about the candy and credit card but you may want to re-think the phone...

Equal Opportunity Blank Stares

2010-04-13T10:13:00.001-04:00

To all of the following:

President Obama and whoever is helping to manage his agenda: As concerned as I am about the possibility of Detroit, Michigan turning into another Hiroshima, the likelihood of that event seems far more remote than the rather distinct possibility that my state may go bankrupt if we don't find a way to create some jobs here. That being said, can we please step away from the anti-nuclear proliferation platform and work on job creation until the unemployment rate in Michigan (the real unemployment rate, not the fake numbers the political prognosticators use) stops giving small children nightmares? Please and thank you.

All the people who are ardent supporters of the healthcare reform bill as well as those who are vehemently opposed to it: Until someone in one of these groups can explain to me personally why I have a doctoral degree from one of the best schools in the country and a relatively elite career (at a small law firm) but I still have to pay a quarter of my salary every month (yes even with the bill) to cover myself and my family, I invite all of you to drink a tall glass of shut the hell up!

Everyone who holds Glenn Beck in the same regard as, oh I don't know say someone who deserves to be taken seriously: I honestly thought the Glenn Beck show was a joke. I have seen it and I really didn't think that anyone would consider the commentator to be anything more than a couple of pennies short of a roll. Well come to find out, he has actual followers. This proves that the creators of Family Guy were correct when they hypothesized that people would join a "Church of the Fonz (yes, from Happy Days)." If you think Glenn Beck is anything more than someone with a lot of strong OPINIONS (and you know what they say about those...) or have sat at home and thought to yourself 'wow he's really on to something', your next stop may indeed be at the local Happy Days worship facility.

That's right Democrats, Republicans, the White House, everyone in between and on the fringes who fit the above descriptions you are the recipients of my famous *BLANK STARE*

I hope this comes with a chauffeur...

2010-03-30T11:02:00.000-04:00

I heard a radio advertisement for a local philanthropic organization, "Heritage For The Blind." The organization is accepting donations for the visually impaired...of cars....*Blank Stare* I am all for equal rights for the disabled but is this really a good idea??? My grandfather drove for years with cataracts on both eyes and although he could still see (a little, in very good light) it is a miracle he didn't maim anyone on the road (though curbs all over the state of Illinois were assaulted on a daily basis). Should we really be counting on acts of God to get our fellow drivers from point A to point B? I'm just not so sure about this one.

I'm just sayin...

The Smell of Stupidity!

2010-03-24T11:01:00.001-04:00

First, I just want you all to know that I had to look this story up to make sure it was true. I heard on the radio this morning that City of Detroit employees would be receiving free...deodorant (of all the things they might really need???) *Blank Stare* But the good part of this story is the reason for the deodorant soup kitchen. Apparently a city employee filed a lawsuit claiming that the smell of another employee’s bath products made her so sick that it was impossible for her to do her job. * Second Blank Stare* The lawsuit, which was filed in federal court, actually settled for $100,000.00. *Third Blank Stare* As a result, city employees have been warned to refrain from using scented bath products including, lotions, perfumes and you guessed it- deodorant. However, the city rightfully feared that a pervasive stench created by unmitigated "funk" might be equally offensive. Therefore, today and tomorrow city employees can receive free packets of unscented deodorant. * Final Blank Stare*

My personal rant: If you have been in Detroit lately, read a Time magazine in the past year, saw the Oprah special on poverty or heard the now famous song by country singer John Rich ("Shutting Detroit Down"), you would know we are facing some serious problems in the city of Detroit. I can't help but to wonder what $100,000.00 may have done to aid in one of the many economic crises facing the city. But as usual, instead of using money constructively, we open the window which separates us from the unintelligent laziness of people like the employee and throw the money out.

Let me tell you all of the dumb stuff that offends me about my job: the hours (I would rather a much shorter work day), the stacks of paper (I mean I just get tired of reading), the guy in the next office who has a voice like the jolly green giant and takes EVERY call on speakerphone, the coffee, the bathroom soap (dries my hands out), the receptionist who always mixes my father up with my sister on the phone (*Blank Stare*) etc. etc. etc. It never crossed my mind to sue anyone for these discomforts because I just assumed them to be occupational hazards. Since I need to stay occupied (aka, employed), I suck it up and keep it moving. Has the whole world gone crazy????

Tickle Me Massa

2010-03-10T14:28:00.002-05:00

In case you do not keep up with political news let me just give you some background information: Eric Massa was one of the Democratic Representatives from New York. He recently resigned from the House citing "health reasons." He later recanted his initial resignation explanation stating that he was actually forced out of the House by other democratic House members who knew he would not vote for the new health care reform bill. House members and White House staffers fired back that in actuality Massa should be banished to the short bus forever because he has some serious mental deficiencies. Well, perhaps I am exaggerating somewhat for entertainment purposes but Democrats actually did say that Massa has a problem keeping his hands to himself. Apparently, Massa was involved in several "inappropriate" incidents with his own staffers involving his wondering hands.

NOW FOR THE GOOD PART: Massa admits that he may have been involved in some incidents which could have been viewed as inappropriate when taken out of context. However, he claims there was nothing sexual about any touching he has done. When asked about groping a particular staffer last night on the Glenn Beck (don't even get me started on him) Show he stated “Yeah, I did... Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn’t breathe. And they all jumped on top of me. You can take anything out of context.” *Blank Stare*

(Would you expect this person to run up on you and start tickling you?)

I just have a few questions for Mr. Massa: What exactly is being taken out of context? Why in the name of all that is reasonable and sane are you groping and tickling staffers during public events? Are you taking your meds? Seriously, be honest... Is this what's going on in our federal government? Is this why they can't get any work done? They are too busy tickling one another...

Babies Courtesy of China

2010-01-22T14:11:00.001-05:00

So I heard on the radio this morning that millions of condoms made in China have been found to be counterfeit (made with a cheaper material that will not hold...what it is supposed to hold). *Blank Stare* Most of these counterfeit condoms have been imported to the United States so I recommend that people relying on this form of prophylactic take a long hard look at the package and see where it came from. Also, doesn't China already have a huge population problem? I would think they would specialize in condom technology....*Blank Stare* (oooooh, maybe this is why they have a population problem????)

If you are using a condom made in China, you may be looking at one of the below images soon...

Where exactly do you think we are?

2010-01-14T14:51:00.000-05:00

I live in the state of Michigan. The overnight low in my city was 24 degrees. This morning when I was on my way to work, it was a whole 29 degrees. But for some reason a man with a receding hairline, sunglasses and windbreaker drove by me with the top down on his sports car like he had not a care in the world. *Blank Stare* (I mention the hairline because I just KNOW his head had to have been cold...). Was the top broken because I understand that in this economy you have to do what you have to do to get work? Is he maybe from the North Pole and to him Michigan is like Hawaii? I just have so many questions about this.

You just oughta be slapped...

2010-01-14T12:15:00.001-05:00

This one goes out to all of the professional athletes with multimillion dollar contracts who get into legal trouble over stupid stuff that they had no business doing. This list includes but is not limited to all of the following people:

Braylon Edwards (and his disorderly conduct)
Gilbert Arenas (really Gil, you brought your guns with you to protect your kids, REALLY??? I need to have a long talk with your PR person)
Plaxico Burress (a fellow MSU alum who apparently does not actively utilize his education. It seems shooting yourself would be punishment enough but alas you and your bad leg are going to prison.)
Mike Vick (I don't care about the dogs, sorry but I don't. However, this was a totally unnecessary mess for MV to have involved himself with. Please leave the dog fighting to the people with nothing to lose)
OJ Simpson (Although he has never been in LEGAL hot water over anything that could properly be classified as "stupid" - i.e. murder, kidnapping, robbery, etc.- no list like this would be complete without him. I mean really OJ, after your legal dream team performs a miracle on par with turning water into wine you decide to rob and kidnap someone?)

(It's not that the above individuals can not or have not recovered from their mistakes. It is the fact that they would risk so much for so little that lands them on this list.)

All of you and everyone else who has blown the opportunity of a lifetime doing stuff that just makes absolutely no sense- go long and catch this *Blank Stare* because you deserve it!

Girl please get you some flats...

2010-01-10T21:24:00.001-05:00

I'm watching the BET celebration of gospel (which is worthy of several Blank Stares for a variety of reasons) and wondering why after all this time Fantasia has not found a pair of shoes that she can perform in. *Blank Stare* As soon as Fanny hits the stage, her feet go in one direction and her shoes in another. I mean is that even sanitary? *Blank Stare* (The below pic is illustrative of my point although it is not from her performance tonight...it is another barefoot performance...)

The Deputy and Red-Face

2010-01-08T15:37:00.000-05:00

While I was in court today, a sound like a quiet buzzing noise arose from somewhere to the left of me. Now, I have to get up early to go to court, it’s crowded, I have to put on heals and I am not a morning person so naturally I purposely ignore everything around me and just pray that my cases are called quickly. However, I was unable to ignore the Wayne County Deputy Sherriff who leapt over my lap and bent over the attorney sitting next to me (which of course left his boxed shaped booty to close to my face for my comfort) to tell the rotund red-faced man in a T-Shirt sitting next to her who was politely leaning on his cane and taking a nap that no sleeping is permitted in the courtroom. *Blank Stare* I just wish the Deputy had taken a moment to consider which of the two scenarios would be more disruptive: allowing the man to sleep and emit the quiet buzzing or running his 6'2 self across the room and into the gallery to loudly tell the man to wake up.... *Blank Stare*

Further, as soon as the Sherriff returned to his "post" the man nodded directly back off (now I am wide awake and that was quite funny). So Deputy Nosleep is staring at the man intently with one foot out as if at any minute he is going to disrupt our row again by waking red-face up (the young female attorney sitting next to me seemed concerned by this possibility as well). Thankfully, red-face stirs from his nap on his own and THEN (wait for it wait for it)....loudly tells the Deputy "SORRY I HAVE A CONDITION" ...Which, by the way, if the Deputy had looked at the man closely, would have been apparent. The take home lesson- take a moment to consider the outcome of your actions and always avoid trying to put out a fire using gasoline.

Under The Covers

2010-01-07T09:12:00.000-05:00

To all the men out there who are like my husband and believe that you can safely expel noxious odors under the covers without offending the person in the bed with you *Blank Stare* The problem with this overly simplistic theory is that inevitably the covers are going to move and when they do all of the toxic gas you trapped inside of them will waft out. At that point your partners eyes will bug out when she begins to choke as she suddenly finds that there is a limited amount of oxygen in the air. And men, do you know what they will do? They will give the woman a blank stare and say "it can't be that bad, it was like five minutes ago"... *EVIL NASTY SQUINT*

Ugly is as ugly does...

2010-01-05T17:41:00.000-05:00

Did you know that there was a dating and networking website for "beautiful people." To become a member of the website your photograph has to be voted on by other members of the site. If you are "beautiful" enough, you may gain membership. I was driving home from work yesterday minding my own business when I heard a news broadcast stating that 5000 members of the site were removed following the holidays because they gained weight over the holidays. *Blank Stare* I'm almost speechless (almost)...but alas I have thought of a few questions that I just really need answers to. First, who is verifying the photos on the largely anonymous internet? Does the verification person become suspicious when several people bear striking resemblances to Beyonce or Brad Pitt or (insert the name of other person who people think of as really attractive)? How much weight did these people gain over the holidays and are they updating their pictures on a daily basis (*in a whisper* I mean why didn't they just go work out and then update their profile pic)? Who wants to date someone who is shallow enough to become a member of such an asinine site or insecure enough to expose their physical attributes to public voting ? Finally (this is the big one), why if you are so friggin beautiful do you need to find a date on the internet (not that people who internet date are unattractive but really this is a new level of ridiculousness)? *Blank Stare*

SAVE THE HUMANS! We can come back for your pet later....

2010-01-04T16:36:00.000-05:00

I know this will be a delicate subject as some of you are extreme animal lovers so let me just start by saying this. I have had two pets in my lifetime and I loved each dearly. In fact, we had a cat in my house which we adopted from wondering the streets as an alley cat in spite of the fact that almost everyone in the house was allergic to cats. We sneezed, itched, coughed our way through it just to give the kitty a good home where he was spoiled rotten. So, I am not anti-animal (especially the kind that make good pets) and I hope this preamble does not come off like those people who say "I am not racist, I have two (insert race of people which you know they don't like) friends."

Moving on. I do, however, have a problem with giving money to "animal rights" organization which do not deal with animals in danger of extinction (which I believe to be a separate topic entirely). I simply cannot grasp how human beings (who are not wealthy with money to blow, a lot of it) can donate money to ensure the "rights" of common house pets when there are real life human beings experiencing all out genocide on the planet on which we live. *Blank Stare* Ever heard of Darfur? How about the Sierra Leone or Rwanda, Cambodia, Bosnia...the list goes on. And if you are geographically challenged or an extreme nativist, what about the millions of people right here in the United States who are homeless, hungry, uninsured, unemployed, undone. I just need to know how we can save the animals but we can't seem to do anything about the humans?

Perhaps you are one of those people who feel like animals are innocent and have done nothing to warrant their suffering while many humans dig their own pits and scream for a shovel. Ok, I will give you that one and raise you the millions of children that are among the human beings dying everyday. These kids have not even been on the earth long enough to dig anything. Look, the bottom line is that if you give millions of dollars to human rights causes and want to give a few bucks to the Fidos and Puss n Boots of the world, fine. But if you are the average person and you have never given a dime to ensure the continuation of the human race and now you want to "save the animals" *Blank Stare*

Random Papers and Other Stuff That May Get You Fired

2009-12-29T15:05:00.001-05:00

We have been asking one of the secretaries in my office for a certain file since yestereday. When all polite attempts have failed and it is clear that she is going to force us to boss up on her, I walk over to her desk and kindly ask her to hand over the file immediatly. Without looking up (her first really big mistake) she says she has to "get the file together" and she will bring it to me. *Evil Squint* In my nicest, youreallydontwantmetolosemycool voice I say "no that will not be necessary, just tell me where the file is, in whatever condition it is in, and I will organized it myself." *Evil Squint* She finally reaches up to a shelf above her desk and pulls down a stack of papers *BLANK STARE* and starts sorting through them....So I say, "is that the file?" and she responds "yes it is but I need to put it in chronolgic order." *BLANK STARE* I say "no no, just give me the pile of papers and I will organize them (not because this is my job but because the time for you to do your job has come and gone).

Do you know why we call our files "files"? You guessed it, because pieces of paper that would otherwise be random scraps are hole punched and placed in chronological order (with an index) in physical file folders. It is the secretaries job to organize the random scraps and it is my job to know what they mean. Soooo, when I am handed a stack of papers in no particular order (which by the way smell annoyingly like gardenias) on a case where I have to take some immediate action, I start to wonder if people in this country truly value their jobs?

Head(scratching)line...

2009-12-28T17:14:00.000-05:00

"Angelina Jolie feels extremely stressed by the pressure of having 6 children..." *Blank Stare* I could only understand this headline if it read "Angelina Jolie's nanny feels extremely stressed by the pressure of caring for 6 children..."

Don't blame the dog on me...

2009-12-28T08:12:00.000-05:00

If you think that just because something was an accident, you should not apologize for the harm it caused, one you are a fool and two *Blank Stare* If you accidentally run over someones dog by no fault of your own, it might still be nice to express regret over the situation considering the person is now down one best friend. I mean you think stuff like this goes without saying but apparently it does not. If you hurt someone even when you never intended or imagined doing so, don't be a jerk about it- say sorry!

Mall Mania

2009-12-26T13:24:00.001-05:00

I observed the following things at the mall during my final days of holiday shopping which all inspired my famous blank stare:

A woman with an entire head full of finger waves (I just didn't know we were still doing this).

A woman walking as if she had not a care in the world wearing blue jeans, a T-shirt and a sparkling, perhaps even bedazzled, fashion purse as her only accessory.

A woman with her head wrapped in a scarf, not as a fashion choice but literally to preserve her wrap (this is not ok with me).

Forever 21 "fashion lash" extensions with rhinestones attached...

A teenage boy playing with a yo yo as he walked with friends (is this some type of medical therapy for one of these popular attention disorders, I don't get it...).

You know what time it is, *Blank Stare* to all of the above.

Weave on top of weave and other family moments...

2009-12-26T13:17:00.000-05:00

My younger sister complained that her eyelash extensions were causing her eyelids to go bald *Blank Stare* (followed by hysterical laughter).

When I asked my sister why her hair looked so thin on the top she responded that it was because she had taken her weave out. I pointed out to her that she still appeared to have more hair than God originally blessed her with and she said "oh yeah, I still have a weave but I had another weave on top of this..." *Blank Stare* (again followed by hysterical laughter). Please refer to the photograph she was gracious enough to allow me to use for more information on this issue.

Somehow my Mother and I were discussing twins one afternoon. In the course of this discussion my Mother pointed out that it would not be a problem if I had twins because then there would be one for her and one for me. *Blank Stare*

La Youneedtostopthemadness La

2009-12-22T12:46:00.000-05:00

Most facebook users are aware that the site recently changed its privacy policy. One of the changes is that it is no longer possible to hide your profile picture. Anytime someone searches for you by name, they will see whatever picture you select as your profile picture. In light of this change, my sister decides she has to go underground because "the block is hot" according to her. However, instead of changing her profile picture (which might have actually made sense) to something that can't be identified as her, she changes her name. To protect her privacy I will not reveal her new user name but it's one of those "Jane Myswaggeristootough" names (which by the way, these monikers are annoying and meant for people under 18 years old). Now here comes the clincher, my sister already has 670 Facebook friends...who is she hiding from??? *Blank Stare*

Overkill!

2009-12-22T10:07:00.001-05:00

We are having our annual in-house office holiday party and I just need someone to please explain to me why we have fake snow INSIDE the window on the window sill? *Blank Stare* This is Michigan for crying out loud, we get a wholly undesirable amount of snow out doors and spend 90% of our time in the winter trying to avoid tracking it indoors. In fact, there is snow on the ground right now. So I just need to know why we can't just look OUT the window? Why in the name of all that is good and holy would any Michigander purposely bring snow indoors?

Oh, I am going to need to add a *Blank Stare* for myself as well. For some reason, I just decided that it was dress down day...No one else did...

The Post Weekend Grab-Bag: Thumbsucking, loose wigs, the southeast and a splash of Michael Jackson fashion...

2009-12-21T09:57:00.002-05:00

Grown people (as in over 25 years old) who never gave up sucking their thumbs (you know who you are and I love you but you clearly were landing on this blog)

Michael Jackson Thriller black and red jackets in church...on Sunday (I'm sure God does not mind but welcome to the blog)

Belligerent Christmas shoppers with terrible attitudes, no patience, shrill voices and a ton of purchases. Clearly you need to put the bags down, go home and think about the meaning of Christmas. I would have added the store clerks with the same attributes minus the purchases but somehow I think their behavior is causally related to the mass of stank (for lack of a better word) shoppers.

Myself for feeling the spirit in church without securely fastening my wig prior to takeoff...

Washington D.C. and Maryland: I lived in both of these places for years and every single year that I was there, it snowed. And yet I have been gone for 4 years (during which time it snows every year) and the nations capital and the state with the wealthiest county in the country still appear to own 3 plows and 2 salt trucks which only have 10 bags of salt a piece (I'm exaggerating but not by much). *Blank Stare* I was so shocked my first year in D.C. when the entire District shut down over 2 inches of snow. I complained relentlessly until I got a car and tried to drive in 2 inches of snow out there. Upon taking the wheel in what I believed to be a very minor amount of snow, I almost killed myself and totaled my car BUT I finally got it. Everything shuts down because although 2 in. of snow is not ordinarily dangerous, if left to its own devices on the roads without salt, it can be lethal.

*Blank Stare* to all of the above! Thank you to all of the above people and places for supplying me with material for this Monday morning that is far better than a cup of coffee.

Tracks on the pavement...

2009-12-18T14:22:00.001-05:00

I just encountered a lonely (albeit used) track (a piece of material which has strands of synthetic or human hair attached to it and is used to bind said hairs on to a persons head- for all you non-weave wearers) on the ground outside of my office. *Blank Stare* In this day and age of advanced weave technology I simply do not understand the need to leave your tracks on the ground. First, any hairdresser worth her salt will sew a track so tightly to your head that your eyes will narrow into tiny slants for the next 48 hours and you will have a headache THIS BIG. Second, even the kitchen beauticians have figured out the secret to bonding glue which is that the track must be attached to hair and not the scalp (If you didn't know this, time to check your tracks...and your scalp). Finally, leaving a track on the ground (even a cheap one) is the equivalent of leaving $10 - $15 on the ground and this is just not the day and age to make that kind of decision. On a parallel note, why leave your hair on the ground? There is no shame in bending down to pick up your treacherous track. The last thing we need in Detroit is more trash on the sidewalks.

Someone is giving people too much credit...

2009-12-17T12:11:00.000-05:00

"No children under the age of 16 will be allowed in the hospital until February or March due to the flu season" *Blank Stare* I read this on a sign posted in my doctor's office this morning. I know they probably meant that the children will not be allowed if they are NOT in need of medical care but they need to consider being more specific. I guarantee you that if signs like that are widely posted and read one day I will get a call from someone who wants to sue the hospital because their child has some permanent disability because they read that sign and believed their child was banned from the hospital. The sign-maker is playing by the rules of averages but sometimes lawsuits are the perfect vehicle for people with below average insight. Disclaimer- I am after all a Civil Defense Attorney so take all of this with a grain of salt.

No, I am not a Republican, however...

2009-12-17T12:02:00.002-05:00

I love President Obama as much as the next "I never thought this would happen in my lifetime" person. However, today I heard a clip of the Oprah White House Christmas special in which the President graded himself as a B+ for his first year in office. The Pres is getting the first *Blank Stare* of this post for even taking the bait of answering a question regarding his job performance with such a specific answer. I appreciate that the current President likes to error on the side of honesty but I am counting this one as an error nonetheless. This type of question is what the vague political answer was created to address. In the future I recommend he say something like "I will let the American people grade me" or "it would be wrong to give myself a grade when our system of government is based on the interdependence and connectedness of so many different branches." LOL, I missed my calling, I should have been a speech-writer (oh wait, I did become a lawyer so really what is the difference???).

I genuinely believe that President Obama goes to bed each night believing in his heart that he has done everything a human being could do to snatch our country back from the brink of disaster. However, therein lies the rub, there IS only so much a HUMAN being could do in this situation and while I give the Pres an "A" for effort, no one in his position could get a B+ for action or results. He is the equivalent of a trash collector at a never ending circus that begun before he was even born. He can collect as much garbage as he can hold but more garbage is piling up, the patrons wont stop complaining and the other employees (*cough* the Democrats and the Republicans *cough*) find bickering with each other much more fascinating than garbage collecting. I am sorry President Obama and I do love you for your "audacity" but you inherited your job difficulties and the *Blank Stare* that comes with them if you really think you could reach a B+ in less than one year (or even 3 years).

Banged knees and bad kids (really bad parents)....

2009-12-14T09:39:00.000-05:00

I know retail sales are down and retailers are doing all they can to recover from this poor economy but *BLANK STARE* to ALL the stores for the reasons listed below.

Attention shoppers, I hope you are able bodied and never need to use a wheelchair. If you find that you are in a need of a set of indoor wheels you will discover that you will also require ice for the bruises you will get from banging your knees on random shelves strategically placed in the middle of aisles to encourage you to buy (and discourage you from moving in the event that you are unable to do so using two legs). You will also need an abnormal amount of patience for the large number of oblivious shoppers who appear to be sleep walking through the mall and never see you until they are literally on your lap (my sister should get tips for all the rides she has given). Finally, you will need a sister who is clever enough to eye spy the handicap ramp entrance and avoid running you into the endless curb surrounding the entrances. Of course you only get to look for the curb after you spot a handicap parking space, the ratio of which is 1 handicap space to every 100 non-handicap spaces. FYI stores, putting non-handicap spaces directly in front of your entrance and a row of handicap spaces on the side of the building (where there is no entrance) earns you my less famous *evil squint*

BONUS MALL MOMENTS: To every parent who unleashes your small children in the mall like God unleashed the plagues on the Egyptians *BLANK STARE* I first heard a crash and second saw two small bodies come tumbling from behind several clothing racks (which my sister and her wheelchair of course could not navigate around) wrapped around each other and screaming. The girls were so tangled up together I honestly could not testify under oath as to their ethnicity, they looked like one big blob. You want to know what I never saw though, their parents. I heard someone call them and saw them roll in the direction of the voice but I never actually saw them. And although I did not see the girls (at least I think it was two girls) again, I heard them screaming for the next 5 minutes (at which time I left the store). *Blank Stare* I later saw a little girl who could not have been any older than three walking five feet behind her mother in a mall swarming with shoppers. But here is what landed her on this blog, the mother had the crazyasheck nerve to be annoyed with the child for walking so slow…because apparently it never occurred to her to take the child’s hand, pick her up, put her in a stroller or do anything else which might have made sense. *Blank Stare* to you too lady.

Whatcho name is?

2009-12-12T22:54:00.000-05:00

I am on the phone with someone right now who is complaining that other commentators on this blog stole her name forcing her to choose a new name. So I ask "oh what was your name?" She says her name was annonymous but now that other people have started using that "name" she had to choose a new one... *Blank Stare*

TMI (Too Much Inappropriateness)

2009-12-12T12:49:00.000-05:00

Facebook status post: "Let it be known that I don't care what you think about me because your opinion will not make or break me. You should also know that what you are saying is not a secret because everyone knows and if you really feel that way, you can kiss my tale. And anyone who has anything to say about this, you can get it too!!!"

Facebook status post: "Ooooh, my man know how to stroke it just right, yeeeeah, LOL ;o)"

Faecebook status post: "I have gas"

To all of the passive aggressive people who use facebook to say things that you can't or wont say in real life, inappropriately boast about your sex lives (which probably aint what they are "posted" to be) and describe every mundane disgusting detail of your day, *Blank Stare*

If you have something to say to someone, either say it to that person or DO NOT SAY IT AT ALL! I really am not an advocate of the "say it to my face" school of thought as I am a firm believer that some stuff should never be said (to the persons face or back). However, if you find something burning a hole in your consciousness to the point that you feel compelled to say it to someone, please don't let it be to a mass of anonymous internet "friends" (especially not if you are over the age of 18 and you are really aiming at a particular person).

For the rest of you internet posting *Blank Stare* recipients everyone gets an annual free pass to say something ridiculous or inappropriate. However, if your man is "strokin it right" EVERY night we don't need a daily update (but congratulations that is wonderful, perhaps the two of you should start a blog...). Also, if you suffer from daily episodes of flatulence (look it up if you need to), strange rashes or other things that are contagious or itch, you should consider posting your issues on WebMD (where you can get some medical advice) instead of Facebook!

Stand up straight and smile (just try it)

2009-12-12T12:48:00.000-05:00

To all women who feel the need to stick their posterior regions out in every single photograph *Blank Stare*

Scoliosis is a physiologic disorder that causes an abnormal curve of the spine, or backbone. It is an idiopathic disorder which means that its causes are unknown. However, I would like to suggest that the medical profession examine the phenomenon of women who have been bending over and arching their backs in every single photograph since a early age. I hypothesize that the incidence of scoliosis among the subset of this population of children whose parents also own cameras will be greater than that in the general population. I’m just sayin….

Hello Stupid...

2009-12-11T10:41:00.000-05:00

A grown woman in a Hello Kitty necklace...I don't care how much "bling" it has *Blank Stare*

Maybe I am just getting old BUT...

2009-12-10T13:16:00.001-05:00

Sex in the 8th grade is normal????

Wearing sweatpants on top of blue jeans is what's poppin??? (Are blue jeans like the new thermal underwear???)

Saying I "mess wit chu" or "I fu#%s wit chu" is a compliment to the listener???

Pursing your lips like you just ate something sour, taking a picture of yourself and posting it on facebook is what all the girls do???

If a rapper is 4'10 in his gym shoes (or "kicks" or whatever), has a bunch of teeth that look like aluminum foil, drinks so much cough syrup that he perpetually slurs his words like the man on the corner with the weird smell and bible who makes us all cringe, has 3 children that are all exactly the same age (but are not triplets) and makes a song and says that he wants to fu!* every girl in the world- every teenage girl will then proclaim that he is her "boo" every time he comes on TV?????

_______________________ (fill in the blank because it seems like you could make up just about anything)

*Blank Stare* to all of the above.

Too much of a good thing is in fact bad...

2009-12-09T10:31:00.000-05:00

So my least favorite "singer" (or whatever), Rihanna just got another tattoo, which brings her total up to like 20. Ok so here is the thing, people with an excessive number of tattoos are like those cars (usually old VW bugs or jettas) that have 100 bumper stickers *blank stare*. The owners come off as kinda schizo with a side of unfocused and you find yourself wishing that they had just picked one message and stuck to it. Of course a human body is worse considering you can't scrap it when you get tired of its 102 images giving you a migraine.

You must be the most boring person in the world....

2009-12-08T11:48:00.000-05:00

So Barbara Walters is interviewing Adam Lambert for her 2009 most fascinating people special *BLANK STARE.....* Does Babs not have any gay friends? Perhaps she does not know any gay black men because the ones at the hair salon make Adam Lambert look like an accountant who does not get out much. I mean seriously, she needs to interview Raynard b/k/a Rayna or Lester b/k/a Leslie, THAT would be fascinating.

Introducing my less famous evil squint

2009-12-07T12:20:00.000-05:00

The Monday list of people getting a *blank stare* with a side of my less famous *evil squint*

You think unemployment is as good as a job (and don't seem to realize that while this is the only option for many people, if you have other options, like working, you should look into those).

You let your pet pitbull, rottweiler or (insert name of other animal known to be vicious and attack humans and small animals) roam around without a leash.

You think being a homosexual is a sin but you don't see anything wrong with being mean, unforgiving, spiteful, envious, etc.

You refuse(d) to exercise an amount of discipline over your child (because you don't believe in saying the word "no" and honestly think your kid is exceptionally well behaved) requisite to their awful behavior and yet you are distressed and pitiful over the fact that your kid has one foot inside of juvenille detention and the other inside of a future filled with mediocrity at ALL times.

You are always on the lookout for a good lawsuit as a way to generate income (if only you were this dedicated to coming up with a good idea...).

Congratulations to all of you as you are all well deserving of my famous *blank stare* and my slightly less famous *evil squint*.

Weed hoodies and cell phones

2009-12-06T20:04:00.000-05:00

I was at A&W when a woman wearing what I can only describe as a marijuana hoodie (it appeared to have marijuana leaves all over it) pulled up on her moped and parked outside of the main entrance. Weed hoodie lady then proceeded to enter the A&W and take a seat at a booth (without placing an order). She pulled out her cell phone and embarked upon one of the loudest public cell phone discussions I have ever witnessed since the invention of cell phones. As a result of her conversation I now know that she is concerned about a $570.00 medical bill that resulted from her extended hospital stay last April which was not covered by Medicare in total *blank stare*

Side Note: The other people in A&W looked appropriately offended by Weed hoodie ladies conversation. Please remember that a cell phone is not a chamber of invisibility. When you talk on a cell phone, everyone else can still see you and more importantly, we can still HEAR you.

Peter, Paul, Pookie and your kids...

2009-12-05T19:25:00.000-05:00

To all the parents out there who have robbed Peter to pay Paul and then bashed Paul over the head and dragged his limp body to a deserted location where no one would find him so that you could take his money to pay Pookie n them (cause Pookie n them don’t play when it comes to their money) just so that you could buy your well nourished, clothed and sheltered children 22 Christmas presents that they will neither remember nor touch within just as many days *blank stare*

PSA on the side: If ripping open shiny paper with frozen smiles and vacant stares has become a December 25th addiction for your children only rivaled by the phenomenon of crack in the inner cities, it is probably YOU with the problem. There has got to be more to life and the holidays than a bunch of crap that lost all its value the minute it left the store. Kids don’t know this intuitively, someone has to teach them, so again, if they don’t know and they are your kids, YOU are the problem. I am now stepping down and putting my soap box away for another day.

15 Reasons Your "Kid" Might Be Going to Jail...

2009-12-04T15:16:00.000-05:00

So while standing at the coffee pot this morning someone walked up to me and started making small talk (which is usually the beginning of one of these posts). I told Ms. Small Talker that the Taylor Swift "15" song was in my head. She responded by saying yeah 15 year olds are so immature...I know because my son is dating one. ( Hey no blank stares yet, I'm sure plenty of 15 year olds are dating each other.) Without further solicitation or comment from me Ms. Small Talker says "I told him, 'hey that's CSC' because he is 19" *BLANK STARE* (CSC for the non-lawyers is criminal sexual conduct).

Here is a free suggestion to the Small Talker's of the world, do NOT share the criminal activities of your children with random co-workers.

Trickin Is News?

2009-12-03T11:37:00.000-05:00

So Tiger Woods' jumpoff (NY club promoter Rachel Uchitel) who previously vehemently denied she was having an affair with the toothy golfer is giving a press conference later on today to admit she was in fact trickin with the married man of many ethnicities...and there will be members of the press there *blank stare*

And further, on behalf of the entire legal profession *blank stare* to Gloria Allred for "representing" this side chick who was apparently one of many...

Dancing in the street (on your way home)...

2009-12-03T09:38:00.000-05:00

Background: For all you non-Detroiters, Martha Reeves of the Vendellas (famous in the mid-sixties for the song "Dancing in the Street" as well as other Motown hits) was elected to Detroit City Council in 2005 (*first blank stare*) for reasons which remain unknown even now (but hey this is the city that elected Kwame "text mania and may have had a stripper murdered" Kilpatrick Mayor...twice...so there is that).

Foreground: Detroiters seem to have come to their senses after being bashed over the head by greedy politicians who were so crooked it could easily be said that they were just plain triflin. Thus in 2009, Ms. Reeves lost her seat on the Council.

The Kicker: MR is having a going away party this weekend to "help her go away" (her words not mine, I promise). I'm confused because I thought the voters already helped her go away back in November...when they did not vote for her...(*second blank stare*).

Don't be mad at Tiger, be mad at yourself...

2009-12-02T12:46:00.000-05:00

Blank stare to everyone who is surprised or disappointed that Tiger Woods cheated on his wife. Let me give you the real scoop, if you take a man with average to below average looks (sorry but the teeth...) and not a hint of personality, give him a ton of money and worldwide fame, some former or current model will marry him. After the wedding and probably some kids (if the woman has any sense at all), the man has a 99% chance of cheating on the model wife, period, point blank that is the end of this predictable story. He may have thought he was lucky to get the wife but eventually it sets in that money and fame entitle you to much more than just a wife and voila, you look up and a blond is chasing you down the street with a golf club.

Instead of "Going Rogue" perhaps you might consider going away....

2009-12-02T12:30:00.002-05:00

Dear Sarah Palin: If you had just gone away like all good losers, you my friend could have avoided my blank stare. But no SP, you and your ever evolving knowledge of geography, international events and D.C. politics had to go and chomp on jerky while relating your tales of political prowess and parental success to the person who actually wrote "your book." And although I try to avoid Fox News unless I am hunting for material for this blog, you seem to have wondered your way into the main stream media and even down the street into Grand Rapids, Michigan so now I am forced to deal with you. So Ms. Wasilla for the following reasons:

You thought dragging the 17 year old self proclaimed "red-neck" baby daddy of your daughters child into the public eye was a good or even tolerable idea (and if you believed these two were going to live happily ever after or even for the next 5 years in peace, my point is only bolstered) and now that it has proved to be a mistake on par with using gasoline to put out a fire, you allow yourself to become embroiled in a ugly public exchange with the shy (hey he didn't give the full frontal to Playgirl) man child.

That Russia comment, that paling around with terrorists business, and anything else that made its way onto Saturday Night Live...

The fact that absolutely EVERYONE who is not related to you and is involved in any incident that you later "recount" calls you a liar (enter John McCain's entire campaign staff).

"Going Rogue" should not be confused with pissing half of your political party off; especially given the fact that ultra-conservative republicans have always been anti-abortion, tax, gay, etc. and pro-war, deregulation, guns, the rich, etc. The book should not be called "Going Rogue" it should be called "Going Right" or rather "Going Far Right."

Because you validate the school of thought that "attractive" women have little substance (albeit great power to corrupt and destroy).

For all of these reasons, SP, you get my BLANK STARE OF 2009 AWARD.

"He Can Wear This"

2009-11-30T20:45:00.001-05:00

My Godson's Mother gave me a white tuxedo complete with vest and bowtie and told me to put it on him on a Sunday morning in November... (*blank stare*)

Eenie Meenie Miinie Moe, Catch a Tiger By His Toe...

2009-11-30T20:43:00.000-05:00

Tiger was going... (for a drive, golfing, to the Nike store????) out at 2:30 a.m. (*first blank stare*) in such a hurry that he crashed his car into a tree and a hydrant in his front yard. Although there was no apparent damage to either the driver or passenger door of his vehicle and there were two other rear doors, four side windows and one windshield, his deeply concerned wife who also happened to be up and about at 2:30 a.m.very logically took a golf club and bashed out the rear window....to get him out of the vehicle...(*second blank stare*)...

That's Your Family...

2009-11-27T19:33:00.000-05:00

I became violently ill today with some kind of insane stomach virus. My Mom calls to check on me while Black Friday shopping (see my previous posts for my feelings on this) and I explain my situation to her. She repeats what I am saying and my Aunt (bless her heart) responds by yelling in the background "she better not be tryna blame it on the food" *blank stare*

Girl you gon think I invented...prayer???

2009-11-27T19:29:00.001-05:00

My entire family gathered to pray over thanksgiving dinner yesterday. When everything was quiet and the designated person begin to pray we could all hear music coming from another room. It quickly became clear that my cousin had left the radio on in his room and while Granddad was thanking God for food and family, Trey Songz was repeating "girl you gon think I invented sex" *blank stare* to my cousin for not turning his radio off and to this whole situation.

Only My Grandfather

2009-11-27T19:26:00.000-05:00

Sooo these posts almost did not make it because my grandfather told me the internet did not work on his computer. When I told him I had fixed it and that it was now working, he told me it always worked, he just did not want me moving the stack of Christmas lights he had pulled out off the office chair (which I promptly moved so that I could sit down...since it is a chair and all). Yes Granddad, you too are getting a *blank stare* today.

Granddad took an entire platter of cookies from the thanksgiving dinner dessert table and hid them...before dinner. When I asked Granddad for some of the cookies he first refused to share and later brought a small plate out with three cookies for me, my grandmother and my sister... *blank stare*... even later he complained that I threw away the plate after it was empty instead of using the same one all day...no blank stare, I'm just out done.

Road Trip

2009-11-27T19:18:00.000-05:00

Lady in WalMart bathroom who did not want to wait for stall #1 or #2 and apparently found #3 unsuitable so used #4 which had no door and complained loudly the entire time she used it about the fact that there was no door...*blank stare*

I Am Not Entertained

2009-11-25T11:24:00.001-05:00

To everyone who thinks Adam Lambert was banned from performing on GMA because he is gay and kissed a boy on stage but has not considered the fact that he simulated oral sex and screeched like a bird who found its head lodged in a trash compactor during his live performance on the AMA's *blank stare*

Pretty Rickey (including but not limited to their songs, fans, outfits, names, any and all webcasts, etc.) *blank stare* all around.

Omarosa is getting a dating show in 2010...*blank stare*

Pre-Thanksgiving Blank Stare Moments

2009-11-24T10:44:00.006-05:00

Sooo, Autozone has doorbuster sales on the day after Thanksgiving.... *blank stare* to anyone losing sleep to participate in this event. Why can't the coolant wait until Saturday?

Not the man on the corner of Woodward and Grand River selling turkeys out of a grocery cart (although I don't think he could beat Walmart's price) but *blank stare* to the people buying them... (It's Detroit and everyone needs a hustle so I can't knock turkeyman).

*Blank stare* to everyone jumping up at 3am to wait in line at stores on Friday not because they want to risk being trampled, shoved and seriously injured but because they don't realize the same sales are available online...

This just in...the Partner at my firm is leaving because he has to go get a Turkey...from a farm and it is going to take extra time for him to wait for them to kill it..... *blank stare* (Oh yes, I did refer him to the man on the corner with the grocery cart).